Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Sorry I have been away!!!

I have been away for a week or so, so apologies for not updating. I found it really hard to stay motivated while I was away because of the amount of time I was spending on my own. I was away for the best part of two weeks on a residential training course. I gained around 4lbs in that time, which is the worst part about my time away, having to eat out every night or buy convenience food. Ick.

Anyway, I am back on track and attempting to get back to 272. Im hoping I can be there by Sunday.

I am still loving my job and the people I work with, minus a few trouble causers, but that can’t be helped. You get trouble causers everywhere.

I have been looking at prices for Gym memberships as I am looking forward to getting back at the gym. I am also going to dedicate half an hour a night to sit ups/press ups, squats and lunges (with a kettlebell), see if I can change my shape and conditioning a bit in the mean time. I have been taking progress pics, but I am still to ashamed to share them.

This morning I weighed in at 274.4lbs, my next GW is 260… I hope to make I there early in the new year if not sooner.  I am also taking a bit of extra time to look after myself, do my nails and my hair. My anxiety is well managed at the moment so although I am having the odd blip I am doing good! I am struggling a bit with my relationship. Feeling very underappreciated. We keep arguing about silly things, well its not so much an argument as me getting blamed for stuff. I have got the point where I am beginning to lose faith now. This time last year I’d have just taken the verbal battering, but now I know I don’t deserve it so I am sticking up for myself. It is still very painful. But I wouldn’t take that kind of shit off anyone else. So yeah. I am thinking more about ME now. Which is something I have never done before.

Updates as always will be as and when I get chance. If you know any good workouts for core strength let me know, as I am trying to tone my flubber at the moment.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Health scare...

I feel shocking today. I had my results through from the Dr’s that my smear test is abnormal. So now I have had a biopsy and I am going to have to wait a further 4-6weeks to see if the changes indicate cancer. Since I had the biopsy I have been eating more than I do normally. It is more the stuff that I wouldn’t normally eat, like chips, sweets and chocolate bars.

That being said, because of that I haven’t actually weighed in this morning, I feel fatter than normal, and more bloated, the specialist has told me that it is normal to feel this way, and that it could last for a couple of weeks. I am due on my period anyway, so that’s going to be fun this month as it may be heavier.

I am trying to be more positive still. I am trying to be a bit more “self loving” too, so doing things like moisturising and painting my nails etc… Though I have been a bit slack on this of late; I have not been showing myself “enough” kindness, just the bare minimum. In the spirit of looking after myself I had some rice crispies for breakfast and a lunch meal from the shop for lunch. Now I feel so bloated and sick :X

I just don’t think I can cope with a normal eating pattern. Not after living the way I have for so long… I have been reading up about diets for different Zodiac signs, I have always believed in horoscopes as mine seem to be extremely dead on. I am a Cancer, I was born on the cusp of Gemini… check this quote out…. Tension, anxiety, and emotional stress are the leading causes of illness among Cancerians.

I suffer with anxiety, depression and my weight is high due to emotional eating…

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Weigh in

On sunday I weighed in at 274.6lbs, the lowest I have been since well over a year ago. Unfortunately I have had a health scare which resulted in me binging yesterday and I am up 3lbs this morning, but, I will get it off by the weekend I hope. I have been looking at a food blog and I have to admit I am very excited about trying some of the recipes.

I watched Starving in Surburbia on Sunday morning and I have to say I am not sure what the fuss was about... It doesn't really give a true reflection of some pro ana sites. I know that some of these sites are really bad, and they show the worst side of pro ana. It made me wonder whether people really understand the difference between pro ana and pro anorexia.

Pro Ana - Is a community of sufferers that DO NOT wish to recover at this point in their life. In these communities people share their concerns plans and daily gripes with a community of people who suffer with an ED. They do not give tips or tricks, they do not encourage Eating Disorders and in my experience they would never "teach" someone to develop an ED as they see ED's as a psychological illness and not a "diet".

Pro Anorexia - Is a community of people who worship ana. They share tips/tricks to help each other become "better" at hiding their ED's and they also allow people who do not have ED's to join.

I think it is difficult to separate the two as they are so close. But in my opinion pro ana sites are there as away of getting support from people who have similar issues, and again in my experience they offer information on Recovery and Support. Pro anorexia sites do not.

I would say that I am pro ana (not pro anorexia), but the media have labelled the pro ana community as the worst of the worst. I am aware that my disorder is a psychological disease. I am aware that my ideal bodyweight is low, and by other means unattainable. But I am not ready to recover at the moment, as sad as it sounds, I don't feel sick... I don't feel ill enough or thin enough to need to recover.

I am not sure if this makes sense but over the years I have met some people I will consider to be lifelong friends via pro ana sites. But I would never give tips or tricks to people. Its sick and wrong.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Busy busy...

I am sorry about my absence of late. I've been busy with a new computer game. I'm a nerd, a girl gamer :-)

In other news even though I had a huge meal on Friday night (more like a binge) I've lost another 4.6lbs. It a just not enough...

I have also been busy clearing out and listing clothes that are to big for me now on eBay. That way I can never allow myself to get to that size again. as I'd  have no clothes to wear.

Peace out my silent readers.

- Anna xx

- Anna xx

- Anna xx

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

How does this work??

I am really quite distressed today. Ive been restricting properly for well over a week and my weight is still not shifting. This isn’t like me at all. My body is broken!! I am not taking any supplements, just Aquaban and Adios Max. So there are no hidden calories there. I had a bit of a binge on cookies last night, but that can’t account for 1.6lbs…!!!! What is going on with my body…. I set myself a target of losing 18lbs by January 1st, that is easily attainable for me, as I am at a higher weight. But this is a joke. I cant even get below 275lbs… what the hell?

This is starting to really bother me, I don’t like being fat, I don’t want to be fat. I am eating most days around 700cals and I am GAINING weight?? How is that even possible?

I give up trying to understand my body. Genuinely!!

At the moment I feel trapped inside my own body. Like I can’t breathe or concentrate on anything else… I hate feeling this way!!


I need a cig!!

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Weight Loss Equivilants...

I love these, they help you visualise a little more, just how much weight you've lost.

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

Just a little....

I have finally lost some weight!!! 1lb.
One freaking pound. I am so fed up with this. It’s obvious how much I have messed my metabolism up over the years with my constant yo-yo dieting. In 4 weeks last year I lost almost 15lbs, now I am struggling to get 2 or 3 in a week. Anyway. I am still feeling a bit funny in the tummy area, a bit nauseous and as though my insides are bruised, so I am still consuming only liquids. Soup for lunch and a chunkier soup for my tea. My dreams are not so bad at the moment so my change in meds must be working.

I have some time off coming up too, I have managed to work it in line with the release of Warlords of Draenor so I will be at level 100 in no time.

I love this Weight Loss Equivelant gguide I have found, I will post it into a blog on its own. I have had it time and time again in the past and it really helps me visualise things… J
Enjoy and I’ll give a better update once I feel a bit better.


Monday, 10 November 2014

Monday morning blues....

I wish… I really do… Today is a hard one for me. I have been awake since 2:30am, I woke with crippling stomach pains and ended up sitting on the loo for about half an hour. After 3 days of constipation, I ended up with the runs so bad. The worst part is I am sat there thinking, well this should give me a good weight loss in the morning.

I started my weekend on Friday night by popping over to a friends and drinking a bottle of wine with her. I realised when I returned home around 9pm I had not eaten? Awesome, right? Wrong. I ended up binging when my BF ordered a take out. Saturday/Sunday I barely left the house, I played solid computer games. My stomach bloated, I didn’t want to eat much as I was so backed up.

Well that changed overnight, I have been avoiding using Lax as I don’t want to slip into that routine again, it took me forever to get my BM back into a regular pattern after last time. Anyway 2:30am, I woke with spasms and pain in my lower abdomen, painful to the point I almost vomited, and almost cried.

So this morning when my alarm went off I was exhausted. So sooo tired. It is also freezing!! Like mega cold, it is well and truly winter now!!

I have signed up to The Biggest Loser Challenge on a forum I visit. I am looking forward to kick-starting my weight loss again and I am using this challenge to do just that. I am in the Obese 2 (Morbidly Obese category) I am disgusted with myself. I took some photos yesterday that show me at 278.2lbs, My HW is 293…. So about 15lbs heavier. I don’t feel able to share them because I am so ashamed L  The next weigh in for the challenge is this Sunday.

My plan for today is to have a Fluids day, so hot drinks, cold drinks and soup. No chewable food will pass my lips.

Friday, 7 November 2014

The price of restricting

Urgh, I am having bowel problems… in that I can’t poop. I have been taking in <1000cals for days now and the dreaded constipation has set in. I can’t go on like this. So I am considering either a liquid fast or using Laxatives, though I am scared of using the latter, as I have abused them in the past and I know how easy and fast it is to get hold of them.
Due to the above, despite my low intake, I have gained 0.8lbs… I am heart-broken, I really wanted to go into the weekend on a loss.
I have recently joined MPA, which I have been dipping into and I am taking part in a month long competition starting on Sunday 9th. I am going to be competing with around 6 other people, all in the Obese2 Category, the aim is to lose weight, the person with the highest % of weight lost wins… I need to do this. I need to be in a good position. I can’t accept failure. Don’t worry my PAO lovelies, I am not going anywhere.
I’m tired. I will try and get an update on over the weekend.    

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

What am I sick and Tired of?

So I was asked on a forum I moderate “What are you sick and tired of”… Well, I could probably go on forever but I will try and keep it short and sweet.

I am sick and tired of feeling like I am a thin person trapped in a FAT body. I am in my late twenties, and still, I can never remember a time when I was actually happy with my figure. As a teenager, all of my friends were thinner than me and it made it really stand out, that I was so much taller, bigger and heavier than they were. I was always the one who defended my friends, and told bullies that if they wanted my friends, they’d have to go through me first. I still am that person to this day. That made me a target for bullies until someone actually took me up on the offer and I floored them. So high school for me wasn’t as bad as primary school. Anyway… still to this day, I’m bigger than ALL of my friends. I don’t have one friend that I can share clothes with or that I can say is bigger than me.
I am sick and tired of being tired ALL the time, no matter what I do I can never get through a day without yawning, without coffee I am like a zombie.

I am sick and tired of losing weight and then regaining it. Last year I lost 50+lbs, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was then forced to access ED services to recover. I went weekly to sessions, saw my GP monthly for blood test, but apart from being anaemic I had no health problems related to my ED. I was told that because of the length of my disorder, it would take a while for my body to readjust, and that while in the short term I would gain weight, in the long term I would end up losing. Bullshit! 12 months later I am almost back up to my HW. I promised myself that would never happen and here I am!! Never again!!! What makes it worse is that although I have managed to stop my self-induced vomiting, I still binge…
I am sick and tired of being poor. I am a homeowner, I am an employee and I am a girlfriend. The amount of money I spend on bills alone eat (pun intended) the majority of my wage. Then on top of that there is transport, food, pet care, laundry – it’s a joke. My money never lasts the month and I always find myself borrowing of family. It’s not fair. My home isn’t in the best area, there is a lot of work needs doing before I can consider selling up and moving home. But if I can never make money last the month how am I supposed to afford to make the repairs that are needed?

I am sick and tired of paying for prescriptions. £8.10 per item now, and I am on two medications for my depression and anxiety. That’s £16.20 a month. I pay a lot of tax, I pay National Insurance Contributions and I pay into a pension.  I have never once had a free prescription in my Adult life.
I am sick and tired of being me. Of waking up every morning feeling ok, then all of a sudden it hits me, I am me, I am depressed, I have anxiety, I have an eating disorder. From then it’s a run to the bathroom to try and poop (most of the time I am constipated from restricting). Then a jump on the scales, and then the number that shows denotes how I feel for the rest of the day. If I have gained, it tends to lead to a binge because of how ashamed I am, and how shitty I feel. If I have lost, I try and keep it up to lose the next day too.

I wish I could just wake up and this all to have been a nightmare... but it isn't, it's my life.

Monday, 3 November 2014

All Hallowed out.

I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!!! I went to visit my friend on Friday and as she has two toddlers it was awesome to see the effort that had been made in decorating the house.  I love Halloween, it is the only time of year I think I fit in, because at heart I am still the Goth I was as a teenager.  There are a few things I absolutely love in life and they are Skulls, Skeletons, Horses, and all things associated with Rock Music… and I mean old skool rock music, Nine Inch Nails, AC/DC and Motley Crue style!!!

That being said I didn’t go to the Halloween Party I was invited too. Instead I stayed in (on my own) and watched X Factor!!! I am so Rock and Roll, my friends would crucify me if they knew!!! I just couldn’t face it. Like every event so far this year, the only one I actually turned up for was my leaving do, and no – one else (except my bestie) turned up for that. I have spent the weekend wallowing in my own filth and playing World of Warcraft. The only person I have made the effort to see is the friend I mentioned above.

This is mainly due to my ED… I have noticed that as I got more involved with my ED around 2 years ago I have drastically changed my social life. Gone is the girl who used to go out 2/3 times a week, cinema, karaoke nights, clubs, pubs… I don’t get my hair done anymore, it’s about 18 months since I had it coloured/cut, not even a trim.

Again, this is mainly due to my ED, I don’t socialise. I literally wake up, work, go home, cook then telly, reading or gaming. I kind of miss my old social life, but at the same time I don’t remember it!

Anyway. My plans for November.

  • No Alcohol.
  • No Pastry.
  • No Bread.
  • No Chips.
  • No Takeaway food.
  • No eating in my car.
  • No Snacking between meals.

I have managed this before. In fact my diet got pretty strict and I stuck to it, in around 6 months I lost 50lbs. I aim to double that this time!! I am going to ban certain foods permanently, so will be adding a banned food list to my blog too.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

The Power of Positive Thinking

I am trying to be a bit more positive at the moment, and not let my binging get me down.  I am currently 4 days binge free :) and very happy about that. So I am going to share my theory with you all and hope that maybe it will help you overcome any punishments you have devised for if you binge. When I am having a bad day, I want to binge and then it becomes a downward spiral. I'm sad so I binge then I binge because I am sad.
I used to be really hard on myself if I binged. I would purge with use of diuretics, laxatives and vomiting. I have also been so tormented that I have self-harmed. It’s not something I am proud of. In fact my ED is not something I am proud of, it makes me do things that no normal person would do and makes me feel things that normal people don’t feel.  So I could never be proud of that.

But I am proud of myself at the moment, and this is why.
In the past, if I had binged and subsequently gained, I used to have this period of time where I would punish myself by “just giving in”. I would stop actively trying to lose weight, I would stop looking after myself (leave my hair greasy, not paint my nails, not shave my legs etc…) and I would also eat anything and everything that I thought I wanted (take-away, fast food, sweets etc.) and I would eat them in bulk. This is how over the course of 4 days ill I managed to put on almost 5lbs.

I have since last week (and I know it’s a short period of time) decided that I am going to look fondly upon my relapse last week, and use it as a motivator.  In the past, after a week like last week I could have gone months in that cycle, but I haven’t. By changing my outlook I have managed to shake off the negativity and lose over half of what I gained already.
Every day is a new day, some days I wake up and hate myself, some days I think my hair looks ok, some days I feel revolting. But regardless of those feelings, I know that if I take each day as it comes and try to look at things with a positive spin instead of a negative one, then maybe I will be more successful in my weight loss journey.

So, that being said, here are a couple of thoughts around things that are important to me, and that affect me on a daily basis.
Binging – I now look at a binge like this. It’s A binge. Just a binge. I will not let this binge beat me. If I let it beat me I will only let go of all the hard work I have put in.  I may have gained 5lbs, but I am going to lose more than twice that just to show the binge that I can. My advice is if you have a binge, be it a big one, a little one or one that spans a week. Instead of letting the negative swallow you whole (pun intended), break the binge cycle by reminding yourself of how amazing you are, how you will not let a binge define you, and that one blip does not change who you are. Write it down, close it off and start fresh from the next day.

Bullies/Cheaters and Bitches – A lot of my friends are going through problems with people in their lives at the moment, because people they love/like are being unfair, bullying them, or cheating on them and ultimately  it’s upsetting the people I care about, as they don’t understand how people can be so callous/cruel. My advice in this situation is that you cannot change another person. Everyone is different and your morals/beliefs are not the same as other peoples. Just accept the fact that if John wants to cheat on Jill with Julie, then he is going to, and if Julie is going to have an affair with John, it certainly says more about the type of people John and Julie are than the type of person Jill is. Surround yourself with the people you trust and care about, keep the John’s and Jill’s of the world at arms length. I can count my real friend, the people I trust with my life on one hand (and I am in my late twenties).  It’s amazing how drama free my life is because of this.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Whats a Good/Bad day to you?

I am very lethargic today again; feeling low; yet able to continue on with my life. I am trying to get to grips with “me”. I keep having really vivid terrifying nightmares. I have had some recently where I am being chased/attacked and I have woken up screaming out for help, or actually scratched my BF or hit him while I have been asleep. I have always had wild dreams, but not nightmares. I have never woken up shouting or screaming/hurt anyone before.
At worst I hate myself and just want to give up ( I am not suicidal anymore like I have been in the past). It isn’t that I want to give up on life. I just want to give up thinking that I will ever be happy with myself, or that I will ever change. Because all I seem to do is fail to achieve my goals or my desires. I would say that this is how I feel around 30% of the time at the moment. Sometimes (like last week) the negativity just takes over and I am like “Fuck it, I’m a whale, I’m never going to change, nothing works so I may as well just fill myself with whatever I want”. Now I know this is the main reason I am the way I am. But this is what I fight with on a daily basis.
At best, I feel positive and KNOW in my heart of hearts that this isn’t the end, I don’t have to give up and to make changes I have to make them. I know to choose a healthy over the stodgey calorie laden foods that I sometimes eat for comfort. Like yesterday, I sat with 9 colleagues in a pub, out of the 9 of us I was the only one who didn’t order Pie, Chips and Peas. I had a Cajun Chicken Breast with salad (it also came with chips which I wasn’t expecting.  So I ate all of the salad, picked at the chicken and left the chips… The Pie looked so nice; and if I hadn’t been feeling good yesterday I would have had it. But I was feeling positive; I’d made an effort to look nice, so I took care of what I ate too.
So I guess that is my definition of a good day and a bad day… What is yours?
I am going to have a Prawn Salad for tea and spend some time watching a few programmes, clean the house, shower, put some clothes and books in bags for charity shop and wrap a package to post out tomorrow. I need to start clearing my house out of all of the old shitty stuff I don’t need to keep any more.  Onwards and upwards, time to tidy out and live a lot cleaner than I have been doing.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014


Morning lovelies.

I'm out and about today so I'm using a mobile app to send this post. I hope it comes out ok.

I weighed in this morning and I feel sick. I've gained over 4lbs while I have been ill. Through comfort eating and binging on foods that should never pass my lips. I'm back at 280lbs. Fuck that.

I'm due to go for a staff meal out this afternoon with my colleagues. I'm going to select the lowest calorie item on the menu and eat half of it. It's difficult eating around people I don't know. But we are all going.

I have now decided that instead of allowing myself treat days. I'm just going to stick to my rules.

No Pastry.
No Sweets.
No Snacking.
No eating after 7pm AT ALL.

I am also going to walk my dog every day do a plank every morning for one minute (it will be more like 6 x 10 seconds).
20 squats
20 lunges (each leg)

I can't continue like this. I have clothes that I loved wearing last year and now I can't fit my boobs or bum into them.

No more! I am taking control back.

- Anna xx

- Anna xx

Monday, 27 October 2014


I know it has been a while, a week – maybe more since my last post. I have been ill. Full of cold, sinusitis and a sore throat. I have been literally stuck in my house with the worst headache/migraines and cold/flu symptoms. I am finally back on form. Though I haven’t dared to weigh myself for around a week. I will get back on it tomorrow. But I can predict I will have gained. I ate take away 3 days out of 7, as I didn’t have the energy to cook.
Now I am back at work, still a bit snotty, but trying to get on top of things again. I spent some time yesterday looking after myself. Doing my hair, my nails and epilating. So I definitely feel a little more human, my spots are almost gone, so I don’t feel as hideous. I have also been able to use my hair removal cream to get rid of my moustache (the hairs are very fine but I know they’re there and I obsess about them.
I am looking forward to getting home tonight and chillaxing to the max. I have a prawn salad for tea, I have a little cleaning to do, but that won’t take too long. Then I may play some computer games for a while… (more than likely for most of the night).
I will give you all a better update tomorrow. Is there anything you’d like to know about me?

Monday, 20 October 2014

Feeling like a failure...

I have had a weekend of pure binging. My period appears to have finally landed, I have gained, im bloated. My period is 2 weeks late and is just so light. Im at the Drs next week for my smear test so I will chat to the nurse about it. I feel as though I need to gorge on everything at the moment. I woke up yesterday feeling ill and all snotty (common cold). Urgh. I feel like a complete failure. I need to get my head straight. I will make a proper update once I have.


Wednesday, 15 October 2014

I live with the monster in my head...

We all know I have anxiety. If it’s not one things it’s another… the sounds I hear on a night make it almost impossible for me to sleep without my meds, it will be Friday before I can fill my prescription. Urgh. That’s another two sleepless nights…
Last night I laid there, listening to the wind outside, and listening to the creaks and squeaks my house makes.  I thought I had heard them all, but this sounded like rain… inside. I ended up getting out of bed and going around the house checking that the radiators didn’t need bleeding (they were fine). I then got back into bed but couldn’t settle, eyes wide and ears hearing every tiny sound…. Luckily when tidying a week or so ago I found a pair of ear buds so I put them in to cancel out the noise. After a while I panicked because I could hear something else… I quickly realised it was my heartbeat throbbing in my ears… doh!!! I eventually fell asleep, but it wasn’t restful! I hate my anxiety.
In other news, my period was two weeks late yesterday, I have taken two pregnancy tests (as I had a course of antibiotics last month) and both are negative. So now my mind is racing about why my period isn’t here (it’s never late). I have made an appointment for my next smear test next week, so I will bring it up with the nurse then as I am catasrophising again. Most of the time I feel bloated and uncomfortable and its always in my lower abdomen, not higher up. I hate being me sometimes…
My friend and I are going to start doing walks, good long technical walks, equipped with a flask, a camera and some walking boots, I can’t wait to see all of the beautiful wildlife and natural beauty spots around the UK. We both have the same sort of weight loss goal, to be toned and thinner, though I am looking to have defined hip bones and collar bones. I have a love affair with collar bones… :)  
I guess that I am a bit of a conundrum, I don’t want recovery, but I also don’t want to fall as deep as I have into my demons as I have in the past. I don’t want to eat, but I do, because I spent 6 months having the importance of food drilled into me… I don’t want other people to develop Eating Disorders, but I want to have razor sharp bones and lean muscle instead of being covered in fat… My mind is ALL over the place at the moment,  I guess as soon as I find my direction you guys will know too…

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Every little helps...

I feel shocking, I always do when I eat carb heavy food, really sluggish and just urgh!!! I had a couple of mini fillets in a batch roll and a hash brown (a poor womans KFC, with a fraction of the calories) but now I feel bloated, full and sleepy. My boyfriend is making us a Prawn Salad for tea , so I know I will still be under my calories for the day.
I am really positive about this at the moment though. My best friend is looking into losing weight healthily (I won’t be sharing any unhealthy tips/tricks with her as I can’t bear the thought of her going through what I went through). But I am looking forward to us working together and exercising together, which could be fun :-)
I want to be toned and have the defined “V” were my hips are… Like Fleur from X-Factor, just minus the actual 6 pack…
I am still taking an Adios tablet before each meal, the appestat I tried left me with an awful taste in my mouth and kept repeating on me but I am having little to no side effects from the Adios Max! They contain 600mg of Fucus Extract (which is basically Bladder-wrack aka Sea Weed). It is said to work by speeding up the metabolism and supressing hunger.  This is probably more of a selling point, but I find that the tablets don’t make me feel sicky like others have and that they also haven’t upset my stomach.
I don’t know how long this will take but I am determined to do it right this time. To not slip back into binging/purging, and to embrace a lifestyle change… I would like to start eating “clean” so making all foods from scratch, but until my finances are sorted it just isn’t a possibility.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Staying the same...

I suppose this is where I admit that I weigh myself every morning, apart from a Saturday!! (I don’t weight on a Saturday because I want to be able to enjoy  my Friday night/Saturday Day with my boyfriend without feeling guilty). It never works out that way though. It is always in the back of my mind. However it allows me to maybe have some food I wouldn’t normally allow myself, on the Friday night (Pizza, Chinese take-out etc…).
Anyway, the long and short of the above statement is that over the past 3 days I haven’t lost or gained. I have stayed exactly the same.  276.8lbs.
It’s not a number I am proud of. In fact I am disgusted with it. I hate being this size, I am a landwhale!! Urgh.
Anyway, I am making plans to become more active. As you all know times are hard at the moment, money is tight for me… but I am not going to let that stop me. I am thinking of starting a No cost fitness programme at home, so using bags with tins in as weights, planking, push ups, and crunches. Hopefully this will help me lose inches and feel better about myself. I am also hoping it will help with my sweaty-ness and the dark hairs growing on my chin… seriously I couldn’t be less glamorous if I tried. Apparently it’s my weight/hormones causing it :( I’m a soon to be bearded lady!!!!
I am also going to be more selfish. I never have been, I put my own plans to the side to do anything for anyone, but I am going to have more pamper “me” time. I will spend this time on beauty treatments, epilating/lasering body hair and doing pedicure/manicures etc… I am also going to spend more time on moisturising my body, as I want to try and keep my skin supple, to avoid having “baggy skin” as the weight comes off.  This is one of my BIGGEST fears, as there is no way in this life or the next I could ever afford to have corrective surgery as it costs tens of thousands of pounds.
I don’t want to look into weight loss surgery either, as I want to do it myself, and not take a shortcut. I did this to myself, and I need to repair the damage I have caused. A quick fix is not an option for me, I need to turn my life around for the better, and try to become healthier without destroying myself (again). Last year my whole life crumbled and I could function at even a basic level.  I can’t allow that to happen again!

Friday, 10 October 2014

Losing is good :)

Another loss this morning (0.4lbs) which I am happy for!! I think I am going to fast today as I haven’t done one for a while, should give me a boost for the next few days, I always get a weird high when I fast. I am looking forward to this weekend, just relaxing and listing things I am selling on ebay to make money…
My number one girl crush Blake Lively is pregnant!!! She has been my idol for years and is amazing thinspo.  I loved her in Gossip Girl!!!! So get ready for some thinspo spam…  well a few of my favourite pics of her. Congratulations Blake and Ryan!!!!

 I have been thinking about getting away somewhere for a few days. An old friend just offered to put me up in Dublin for a week, despite the fact he is with someone and so am I…  I have politely declined, even if we attempted to go away as friends, there has always been a underlying romance that never was… it’s like the song Romeo and Juliet, the timing was ALWAYS wrong. I do adore him but I am in love with my BF. So I can’t even consider his proposal. However Dublin is lovely.

This is my list of places I am dying to visit.
  • Bruges
  • Amsterdam
  • Black Forest, Germany
  • Reykjavik  
  • Louisiana
  • NYC

I have also been researching diet pills… has anyone come across any that they have had a positive experience with?

Thursday, 9 October 2014

And we have a loss.....!!!

I am really happy with my loss this morning!!! 1.6lbs is amazing considering I have stayed the same for the last 2/3 days… I feel much better this morning because I have got up, had a shower and feel all clean and good to go… I was a bit narked off that I couldn’t find my hairdryer though so I currently look like Heidi!! Last night I felt so sick, I had come over with a headache from the fluorescent lighting at work and I was feeling very, very nauseated. Then after my tea I just binged away on biscuits and chocolate.

It is a nightmare living with a man who can eat whatever he wants and never put weight on, because he always buys treats and snacks. Then instead of just going through to the kitchen and getting the snacks when he wants them, he brings them through to the living room, all of them. So I end up picking. I will have a word tonight and ask him to stop doing it or only bring the bits he wants.  That way it should help me with my ridiculous snacking. Because I just go for it, one thing after another and then I feel shit afterwards. Maybe I should try and take up knitting again…

I am so skint at the moment, and I am still without my anti-depressants/anxiety meds… its likely to be next week before I get chance to get them, and by then I will have been around three weeks or so without them. Would I be better off going to see my Dr for a review? Or just stopping them? I think I know really, that I shouldn’t be just stopping them, but what am I supposed to do if it comes down to buying toilet roll/toothpaste/dog food or filling my prescription?? In the UK they charge around £8 per item and I have two items!! That’s two weeks worth of dog food; a quarter of a tank of petrol, or the essentials (bread, milk, cheese etc… for 2 weeks).

I am suffering really bad with my skin at the moment too, I have never had spots, and right now I have about 10-20 on my face, all around my chin and forehead. Even as a teenager I never suffered with acne. As a young adult people used to comment on how amazing my skin was. Then here I am, I am in my mid twenties and breaking out in a BIG way. So that just adds to how unattractive I feel!!!

Anyway, I am going into training. I need to take my mind off my flaws and distract myself.

I may post more later xxxx

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

A little ick....

I feel sick today. I was tired when I woke up, I have been up and down throughout the day but now I just feel nauseated. I haven’t had a particularly large lunch, drank too much or anything. But I have the worse headache and lethargy. Stupidly I agreed to go out tonight. Urgh. FML. I think I’d be happier just lying in bed for the night…
I got a letter from the ED unit yesterday saying that they are discharging me as a patient. Not sure how I feel about it. So I emailed my keyworker today and just told her that I am struggling a bit with my body image, but I still haven’t purged!!!
My brain feels like mush today so I am useless with words, but I am still updating my food diary and my weigh ins for you all…


Monday, 6 October 2014

This Weekend

What a busy weekend I have had. I have literally been going none stop since I finished work on Friday night. I picked my boyfriend’s friend up from the station as they were all going to a concert together. Luckily, there was so many of them that I physically couldn’t drive them to the gig as they wouldn’t fit in my car.
I drank almost a whole bottle of wine, but didn’t eat much after my binge at work. Then I just got comfy and started to watch Magic Mike.  I have the biggest crush on Joe Manganiello!!! (PIC BELOW)
Then Saturday I had to fly around the city buying bits and bobs. I ended up getting everyone a Burger King and I ate the biggest most calorific one there. So I had to cut out food for the rest of the day. But it wasn’t so bad. In cases like that a huge meal like that is the only thing I will have for the day.
Yesterday I had some housework to do, I listed about 20 things on Ebay for sale and then cleaned/gardened to the point I have got blisters on my hands, and I ache in places I never knew possible… But, I am almost ready to do the front yard and make it nice again. I have visions of plant pots with gorgeous flowers and hanging baskets with fuschia’s draping from them, but who am I kidding, I’d be better off with Cacti, as I am useless with plants. I am going to do my best though.
This week for me is about trying to get out of the 270’s… but that means like 9lbs off… Instead I am going to go for out of the 270s by the end of October, anything else is a bonus. I think 10lb a month is reasonable…
It is not like I have ditched recovery all together. I’m just actively trying to lose weight.

Friday, 3 October 2014

A little more...

I am feeling a little more optimistic today, I have put on a dress. It is black of course as I don’t often wear any other colour. I’m down 0.6lbs… which is probably the main reason for the positivity!! I am ridiculously tired though. I have the weirdest dreams, and last night I was stabbed in the stomach by someone. It wasn’t a nice dream, but when I eventually woke up I had my other half (we will call him David) still with me. David works in a factory, so is usually up and out by 5:30am every morning, this is the first morning that we have both been able to get up together and cuddle/love each other. I adore him… I would walk through fire for him.
I am looking forward to getting stuck into work and teaching people new skills, I feel like I was made for this role. I just need to feel more comfortable in my own skin…
I have been neglecting myself and my duties at home a bit recently. So this weekend I am going to have a huge sort through. Take some old clothes to the tip (if they are un-wearable) or the charity shop (if they are still lovely). Anything holey is going in the bin, which is a bit sad because some of my favourite clothes have holes in now. Then once I have gutted the place I am going to start decorating. My first job will be glossing; I am going to gloss all doors, skirting boards and frames, to try and brighten things up. Then we can start buying new things for the house.
I have asked my sister if she wants to move in with me too, just to bring in a little extra each month, and it should help with the costs of decorating.
If there are any questions for me then please ask them, I enjoy hearing from my readers J

Thursday, 2 October 2014


Anxiety is a shitty disorder to suffer from, I am on medication to help, but I cant afford to pay for the prescription.
All you need is one thing to trigger it and then BOOM. It’s all you can think about, you can’t focus on anything other than it and it consumes your mind totally. It makes you panic and (in my case) it makes you fall into old coping mechanisms.
For me, I find that I pick my skin, I will spend hours focussing on tiny pimples, hairs or just imperfections. I pick and pull until I have scabs and sore spots. I pick at the skin on my fingers until there are weeping sores along all of my fingers. Sometimes it’s so bad I struggle to sleep because of the pain, the throbbing pain that just overpowers me, yet I am powerless to stop it. I have tried a lot over the years to distract myself, but right now it is a lot worse than it has been.
I have just found out that I am going to be £280 a month down, and we struggle as it is… I just don’t know where we are going to make these savings from L I don’t know how to tell myself it will be ok…

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Feeling FAT

I am feeling appalling at the moment… very lethargic/tired, but I am eating still, just not binging (I am 2 days binge free now (since Monday 29th). I am hoping to go the whole week without, but not sure I will make it.
I have decided that the best way for me to move forward is to take each step as it comes… If I have a binge, instead of freaking out and becoming a one woman eating machine, I am going to try and get into the mind set of, I made a boo boo, that was the mistake – and get myself back on track.
I have used diet pills in the past, at the moment I am using Appesat, it works by swelling in the stomach and sending signals that you are full to your brain. So as long as I don’t overeat, it should help me with my snacking. Although it is pretty expensive and I don’t have much left. Im pretty sure my GP won’t prescribe me anything ever again since my diagnosis of EDNOS. So I am going to work through my stockpiles and take things from there. I think I have a few tubs of ADIOS, I can have a look at when my Appesat runs out.
I am getting no closer to being able to join a Gym due to lack of money, so I am going to start doing things in my living room, like planking and weights, squats etc… all of the exercises that use your own body weight as a resistance.  So I will update you all on progress with that.
I am also thinking of using a “page” (a lot like my food diary and my weight log) to show my progress photos… What do you think? Bear in mind at the moment I am very large, almost back to my highest weight ever… So they won’t be pretty in any form, more like reverse thinspo….
I have a lot of house work and home improvements to pick up on and improve on. So I will be keeping myself busy with clearing out, garden work and taking things I don’t want to charity shop or listing them on ebay.  So I’m going to be busy, busy, busy, which hopefully means I wont binge.

Monday, 29 September 2014

I am pretty down at the moment

It’s been a while since I have felt this low…

I am just sick of being poor. I am sick of living frugally and scrimping/saving where I can. I got paid 4 days ago and ITS ALL GONE. Financial independence is bull shit when every month before you can even say “I have been paid” it is all gone on bills. It’s going to a quiet month.
I’m just tired of working and working my arse of and having nothing to show for it… I need to make changes that will save me money. I’m thinking that one of the best ways to do that is to quit drinking and smoking – which in all fairness; I am probably going to have to do anyway due to lack of money. It is so hard managing everything and being unable to even pay for my anxiety/sleeping meds…

This weekend I had a night out with my best friend. We had a really good catch up and headed to our local pub. I spent the majority of yesterday afraid to move in case I threw up, I have not been that hung over in a long time. I had a burger yesterday which I am so ashamed of.

This morning I have just dragged myself out of bed. I have been having some serious nightmares recently. I even woke up on Saturday morning shouting “Help”!! I am thinking this is likely due to the fact I haven’t been able to fill my prescription so my receptors in my brain are firing. Never mind anything else, but they are terrifying.  Have you ever been awake in your mind but your body has still been asleep? It’s like you feel like you need to move but you become paralysed and you can’t do anything but lay there not moving or making a sound. It’s very disorientating.
Yesterday I just wanted to cry, constantly, I think that is also due to lack of medication, and obviously alcohol is a depressant.

Anyway, this week for me is going to be busy. I am going to avoid alcohol were possible and try to reduce the amount I smoke. The main problem there is that it is likely going to mess my anxiety up even more.
The biggest trigger for me this week is that one of my co-workers appears to have an ED too, she is extremely thin and frail. But when I look at her instead of feeling bad for her, I envy her. I am sick!!! I wish for once I could just focus on everything else instead of my weight, like work, like seeing an old friend, like planning a post hen party. Like anything other than how worthless and ugly I feel. My face has erupted in spots, my skin is in its worst condition ever.  

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

I can't even dress myself...

Without genuinely hating everything about myself!! I buy myself nice clothes, things that I think will make me look fashionable, instead of just hiding in baggy clothes. But I always end up going back to my staple wardrobe. Wide legged black trousers, an oversized cardigan, a variety of baggy tops, or leggings, boots and a baggy dress.

I have literally spent a fortune buying pencil skirts, tights, shoes, and dresses to wear to work, even a gorgeous pair of cigarette trousers… but they are just too tight, too fitted. They make me feel whale-like. Last year, after a 6/7month restriction phase with little to no binging I felt a lot better about myself. I was at 235lbs. Now I have regained all of the weight I worked so hard to lose barring 15lbs. I am such a weak weak failure.
This isn’t about just losing weight for me; this is about being able to love myself again. Really love myself. To look in the mirror and be happy, to put on an outfit I WANT to wear, and then not ripping it off in a rush because I can’t stand how it makes me look.
I dug out all of my diuretics, diet pills and laxatives this morning. I have put a carry bag in my handbag and I now carry them with me.  I will not self-harm again, I know that now. But I will do whatever it takes to get this weight off and reach my goal weight. I do not want to slip back into bulimia. After years of starving and extreme diets, it was actually bulimia I was diagnosed with last year.
I am going to be careful and I will keep people updated. I’m so disgusted with myself I really have left myself no choice. Recovery may work for some people. But it doesn’t for me.  

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Breaking the fast

I never used to eat breakfast. But last year something dropped, like a penny or something. That throughout the day My body wasn’t getting anything, just water and coffee. So all day my body was still in starvation mode, until I ate a small meal in the evening. Then I’d go to bed. So I figured all day my body wasn’t burning anything and then I was eating (fuelling my body) before I went to bed… which is a bit odd when I look at it that. So I started eating in a morning which is something totally against anything I have ever done. I have never eaten in a morning, the thought of food before lunch time genuinely turns my stomach and makes me feel uncomfortable.
I started by eating 20g of All Bran (I had been struggling to go for a number 2 with all of the restriction I’d been doing) so that helped to get me functioning normally again. Then around 2pm I’d eat an apple to stop me binging when I got home.
More recently I have been having Overnight Oats in a morning, I use 20g wholegrain quaker oats. 2 tbsp fat free greek yoghurt, a splash of milk, and some frozen fresh fruit.  I add a few nuts in there for protein and healthy fats… it comes in all in all at 201cal and it keeps me full for a long time. No hunger pangs = less binging for me.
I’m trying to avoid bread and planned meals where possible.
I will see how long I can go binge free for…

Monday, 22 September 2014

My past... my present... and my future.....

I don’t remember how old I was when I first felt fat…  I know I have never been able to borrow my friend’s clothes. It’s been about 10 years since I could wear “normal clothes” instead of plus size (UK 16+). That being said, despite the fact that I am (in BMI terms) classed as obese, I was last year diagnosed with and Eating Disorder. I think it will help if I take you back to the beginning with me…
My childhood wasn’t exactly ordinary, but then it wasn’t exactly extraordinary either. My parents split when I was 6/7 years old after my dad was exposed as having an affair with my mum’s best friend… After mum left we moved from the country to the city. By the time I was 11 I had been to four different primary schools, so being the new “fat” kid, I was an easy target for bullies. I was a lot taller than all of the other girls my age and a lot stronger. I guess growing up in the country made me “farm tough” as Cam (Modern Family) would put it. Nevertheless I was bullied, by the boys and the girls, about my weight, about my family, my height.
I spent the weekdays with my mum, and weekends with my Dad. However I am pretty sure my Dad didn’t want me there, he’d go out for hours on end and leave me to cook, clean, set a fire, wash the cars etc… I wasn’t even 11. When we did spend time together he would get me to do sit ups and lift his dumbbells, because “Anna, you need to exercise to lose this puppy fat, now come on let’s do 20 pushups”…
Secondary school wasn’t so bad. I ended up being in a group with two sisters that lived near me, so I had friends and the bullying wasn’t so bad. I got on with my life and my studies. Left with 11 GCSE’s. However, I was still bigger than all of my friends. I grew to be 5ft 8. All of my friends were 5ft – 5ft 6… So I was taller and twice the size of them in clothes, them being a UK 6 and me being a UK 12. Over the years my dress size increased with my age. This increased my unhappiness and my need to cut out certain foods and I swam for miles at the local swimming baths.
As an adult this has continued. Once I hit 18 and started going out, I’d be the first on the dance floor and the last to leave. I would stay out all night and drink in excess. My group of friends changed and for the first time in my life I remembered being happy and accepted by people. I was 18 the first time I started a proper diet. I began going to weightwatchers with my friend.  Only I figured how to restrict my diet even more, completed my journal as though I was eating a good healthy diet and I was all smiles as I collected my shiny 7’s and 10% awards. I was saving up calories from throughout the week in order to binge drink. They call it Drunkorexia.
Not long after that I moved out on my own, I lived in a flat by myself and for the first time I could really control my diet. No more deep fat fryer at my mums house, or calorie laden pasta meals served with fresh bread. Now I had control. I talked my GP into prescribing me Reductil, (an appetite suppressant that has since been taken off the market for being linked to Cardiovascular Disease and Strokes), I used this to seriously restrict my diet. I avoided being hungry and therefore avoided eating. Not long after this was stopped (it caused my blood pressure to raise) I moved into a shared house, but I still managed to hide my disordered eating. I lived there for two years.  I’d go to work ridiculously early in the morning, eat lunch then pop to my mums after work. I’d tell my mum I was eating at home then tell my housemates I had eaten at mums.
I moved back in with my mum after this. Then, after a year I met my boyfriend. At the time I had a horse, I was around 238lbs, but was very active, always mucking out/riding/lunging burns a lot of calories. I have always looked like I weigh less than I do.  We moved in together after about 6 months and have been together ever since. In that time my weight reached an all-time high of 293lbs. At that point I was so depressed, I was refusing to cook for myself and ordering fast food on an evening then hiding the proof. Then at times I would sit there, so full and uncomfortable, crying. It was a vicious cycle. In 2009 I began restricting my diet. Cutting myself to 800 calories a day. I did the ABC, 2468, every diet under the sun. But I settled for 600 calories a day and 2 hours of exercise 7 days a week.  I stopped drinking fizzy drinks and only drank hot drinks/cup a soups and water.  For example my daily food intake looked like this.
B – Apple
L - Cup a soup and 4 low fat crackers
D – Mini Wrap/Salad/Steamed Veg and Fish.

My weight went from 293 to 228lbs over 6 months. Well on my way to my 110lb goal weight.
Then everything came down around me, my relationship broke down (this has since been resolved). It was during this point I became hooked on diuretics/laxatives and purging. I was in a crisis I guess. But I attempted to overcome this myself and in the aftermath, my employer found out about my eating habits. They forced me to enter treatment before they would let me continue to work, so I entered recovery.
For the last 8 months I have been given all of the tools to overcome my ED. I have learnt about the effects of Eating Disorders and the effects of starvation/binging and purging.  I was given a diagnosis of Atypical Anorexia B/P Subtype. I crossed my T’s and dotted my I’s. Now  I find myself still gaining weight months after entering a regular eating pattern. The clothes that once fell of me are now tight and uncomfortable, and all I can think is why have I let myself go like this? I can’t stay like this. I need to lose this weight. I need to be thin. I need to be thin… Nothing else matters.   
I will reach my UGW of 110lbs...

Friday, 19 September 2014

Who am I?

My name is Anna and I am currently living in the UK, in Somerset. I have suffered with disordered eating for most of my teens and now I'm in my twenties still struggling with negative thoughts and body dysmorphia.
I have been in and out of recovery over my life and at the moment I am out of treatment and I am actively trying to lose weight.
I am a big girl, always have been, it seems unlikely for a "fat person" to have an Eating Disorder but it does happen.
This blog is about my life, my feelings and my journey.

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