Wednesday, 5 November 2014

What am I sick and Tired of?

So I was asked on a forum I moderate “What are you sick and tired of”… Well, I could probably go on forever but I will try and keep it short and sweet.

I am sick and tired of feeling like I am a thin person trapped in a FAT body. I am in my late twenties, and still, I can never remember a time when I was actually happy with my figure. As a teenager, all of my friends were thinner than me and it made it really stand out, that I was so much taller, bigger and heavier than they were. I was always the one who defended my friends, and told bullies that if they wanted my friends, they’d have to go through me first. I still am that person to this day. That made me a target for bullies until someone actually took me up on the offer and I floored them. So high school for me wasn’t as bad as primary school. Anyway… still to this day, I’m bigger than ALL of my friends. I don’t have one friend that I can share clothes with or that I can say is bigger than me.
I am sick and tired of being tired ALL the time, no matter what I do I can never get through a day without yawning, without coffee I am like a zombie.

I am sick and tired of losing weight and then regaining it. Last year I lost 50+lbs, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was then forced to access ED services to recover. I went weekly to sessions, saw my GP monthly for blood test, but apart from being anaemic I had no health problems related to my ED. I was told that because of the length of my disorder, it would take a while for my body to readjust, and that while in the short term I would gain weight, in the long term I would end up losing. Bullshit! 12 months later I am almost back up to my HW. I promised myself that would never happen and here I am!! Never again!!! What makes it worse is that although I have managed to stop my self-induced vomiting, I still binge…
I am sick and tired of being poor. I am a homeowner, I am an employee and I am a girlfriend. The amount of money I spend on bills alone eat (pun intended) the majority of my wage. Then on top of that there is transport, food, pet care, laundry – it’s a joke. My money never lasts the month and I always find myself borrowing of family. It’s not fair. My home isn’t in the best area, there is a lot of work needs doing before I can consider selling up and moving home. But if I can never make money last the month how am I supposed to afford to make the repairs that are needed?

I am sick and tired of paying for prescriptions. £8.10 per item now, and I am on two medications for my depression and anxiety. That’s £16.20 a month. I pay a lot of tax, I pay National Insurance Contributions and I pay into a pension.  I have never once had a free prescription in my Adult life.
I am sick and tired of being me. Of waking up every morning feeling ok, then all of a sudden it hits me, I am me, I am depressed, I have anxiety, I have an eating disorder. From then it’s a run to the bathroom to try and poop (most of the time I am constipated from restricting). Then a jump on the scales, and then the number that shows denotes how I feel for the rest of the day. If I have gained, it tends to lead to a binge because of how ashamed I am, and how shitty I feel. If I have lost, I try and keep it up to lose the next day too.

I wish I could just wake up and this all to have been a nightmare... but it isn't, it's my life.

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