Saturday, 14 July 2018

Into the Void

It can be quite easy to fall back into old ways if you don’t watch yourself... I can feel old habits returning and I sense the change in my mind... I can feel it inside. 

I’ve lost 3.4lbs this week. 

I’ve been trying to avoid binge food and just eat healt hily but I know I have limits. 

I’m not the kind of person who can sit next to a share size bar of chocolate and not eat it all... I never will be. 

It’s like I have three people in my head. The anorexic who wants to starve and cries every time I eat. The bulimic who wants to binge on as much food as possible and relishes in the guilt I feel afterwards. That’s two... 

The other person is me... the person who doesn’t want to feel either of the above. I just want to be able to eat without being out of control. I want to feel comfortable eating foods I enjoy without feeling such guilt and devastation afterwards.... 

It’s a vicious circle. 

  • I hate the way I look.
  • I look the way I do because I overeat and I don’t look after myself. 
  • I restrict my food intake to punish myself for being a heifer.
  • I feel good when I restrict.
  • I slip and binge.
  • I undo all of my hard work and feel guilty for binging.
  • I feel like a failure for not being strong enough to abstain, so I binge some more. 
  • I take my mood out (I am angry with myself for being such a failure) on the people I care about. 
  • Then the cycle just repeats. 
This is the way my life goes. I just go around and round in circles of the above cycle. 

I am 263.2 today. I want to be under 260 this time next week. 

Saturday, 30 June 2018

binge number 1

So after days of behaving and staying in control of my urges to binge... last night I fell off the wagon. I think all in all I ate around 2000 calories worth of food yesterday but it feels like more... I wanna say 3000 to be on the safe side, but there is no way I ate that much.

Just found out the forum I used to mod/admin has been resurrected! I genuinely can’t wait to see how it does. I have missed my community there.

I need to measure. I’ll measure today: then gym again tomorrow. I’m thinking of getting there even earlier.

Thursday, 28 June 2018

29th June

So tomorrow is d day! 

Tomorrow I will actually calculate my losses and measurements so far... would anyone like to see my meals/gym info. 

I’d be more than happy to collect together what I’ve eaten and also my gym/workouts...

I’m good though x

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Hello Darkness my old friend....

I am struggling right now. I have spent way too long in the light, over 2 whole years to be clear. But now I am once again.

Does anyone even read this blog? Or am I just rambling to myself?

Basically I am in a bad place mentally. I have been trying to follow Macros and have been eating more than I have ever allowed myself and it is killing me. I just don't know how people manage with eating so much.

As always my main problems are eating regularly, and then not binging... historically I would have made myself sick after a binge, but I haven't done that since before my daughter was born.

So blooming fed up with feeling this way now.

Need to get my brain back in gear and function properly.

All I want to do is cover myself over with a duvet and bury my head in the sand. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to wake up. But I know I have too. I have my daughter to be strong for.... I must be strong.

CW: 268.2 (-7.8lbs)

Monday, 23 October 2017

Friday, 4 August 2017


Says it all really this pic...

My own laziness! Ruined a perfectly good day. I had Patty and Chips with mushy peas (from the chippy). I ate only half of the chips, but the carb fest set me craving sweets all night... the result is a 1.8lb gain!!!

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Day 1 of the rest of my life

So I decided to journal again. I haven't done it in ages but I can't lose if I don't track what I am eating and my thoughts... Here is Day 1

 My handwriting is appalling but I guess it makes it more real... you get to see the real me! If you can read it. 

Monday, 31 July 2017


So recently I seem to have hit a real sticking point. Despite trying to lose weight (I wanted to lose 14lbs this month - which is more than attainable for me at my current weight) I have actually gained 0.6lbs!!!

I feel sick. Not because I want to lose so much weight, but because I actually haven't lost anything. I feel like a fraud, a failure. 

August will be different! I will not have a repeat of this shit show! 

I want people to look at me and be shocked! I want to feel comfortable. I don't right now :( 

Friday, 16 June 2017

Bloating and Gas

I have never felt this rubbish in my life!!! This last week has been terrible. I have no idea why but since I started restricting (trying to) again, I have had THE WORST gas! Like I'm literally so bloated I feel pregnant again. 

I actually spoke to my Dr about the bloating and troubles I am having with  BM last week and said that I mourn the ability to use the toilet properly. 

I used to be so regular, every morning without fail I'd wake up, poop and weigh myself. But I've ruined it. Long term laxative and codeine use have completely fucked up my digestive tract! 

Who said eating disorders were glamourous? Eh? Join us if you never want to shit properly again! 

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Binge/Cry repeat...

I binged last night, I was almost set to finish the day on <1000cal and then I go ahead and binge on 8 fucking shortcake biscuits that I bought last week. I don't even know why I do it. Its like I set myself up to sabotage myself.

Shopping when hungry is a curse!!!

Yesterday I had

B - Coffee w/skimmed milk and a sweetner - 10 cal
L - Mash Pot - 150cal. Chicken Katsu Bites (I should not have bought these!!!) 350cal
D - Chicken Burrito 350cal
S - Apple 80cal, 8 Shortie Biscuits (382 cal)

I have gained 1.6lbs since yesterday - the only difference was that I didn't get chance to make a BM before I went to work this morning. Sooo I am hoping for a loss tomorrow.

CW: 270.2lbs (gain of 1.6lbs)