- I hate the way I look.
- I look the way I do because I overeat and I don’t look after myself.
- I restrict my food intake to punish myself for being a heifer.
- I feel good when I restrict.
- I slip and binge.
- I undo all of my hard work and feel guilty for binging.
- I feel like a failure for not being strong enough to abstain, so I binge some more.
- I take my mood out (I am angry with myself for being such a failure) on the people I care about.
- Then the cycle just repeats.
Saturday, 14 July 2018
Saturday, 30 June 2018
Thursday, 28 June 2018
Tuesday, 12 June 2018
Does anyone even read this blog? Or am I just rambling to myself?
Basically I am in a bad place mentally. I have been trying to follow Macros and have been eating more than I have ever allowed myself and it is killing me. I just don't know how people manage with eating so much.
As always my main problems are eating regularly, and then not binging... historically I would have made myself sick after a binge, but I haven't done that since before my daughter was born.
So blooming fed up with feeling this way now.
Need to get my brain back in gear and function properly.
All I want to do is cover myself over with a duvet and bury my head in the sand. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to wake up. But I know I have too. I have my daughter to be strong for.... I must be strong.
CW: 268.2 (-7.8lbs)
Monday, 23 October 2017
Friday, 4 August 2017
Thursday, 3 August 2017
So I decided to journal again. I haven't done it in ages but I can't lose if I don't track what I am eating and my thoughts... Here is Day 1
My handwriting is appalling but I guess it makes it more real... you get to see the real me! If you can read it.
Monday, 31 July 2017
So recently I seem to have hit a real sticking point. Despite trying to lose weight (I wanted to lose 14lbs this month - which is more than attainable for me at my current weight) I have actually gained 0.6lbs!!!
I feel sick. Not because I want to lose so much weight, but because I actually haven't lost anything. I feel like a fraud, a failure.
August will be different! I will not have a repeat of this shit show!
I want people to look at me and be shocked! I want to feel comfortable. I don't right now :(
Friday, 16 June 2017
I have never felt this rubbish in my life!!! This last week has been terrible. I have no idea why but since I started restricting (trying to) again, I have had THE WORST gas! Like I'm literally so bloated I feel pregnant again.
I actually spoke to my Dr about the bloating and troubles I am having with BM last week and said that I mourn the ability to use the toilet properly.
I used to be so regular, every morning without fail I'd wake up, poop and weigh myself. But I've ruined it. Long term laxative and codeine use have completely fucked up my digestive tract!
Who said eating disorders were glamourous? Eh? Join us if you never want to shit properly again!
Thursday, 15 June 2017
Shopping when hungry is a curse!!!
Yesterday I had
B - Coffee w/skimmed milk and a sweetner - 10 cal
L - Mash Pot - 150cal. Chicken Katsu Bites (I should not have bought these!!!) 350cal
D - Chicken Burrito 350cal
S - Apple 80cal, 8 Shortie Biscuits (382 cal)
I have gained 1.6lbs since yesterday - the only difference was that I didn't get chance to make a BM before I went to work this morning. Sooo I am hoping for a loss tomorrow.
CW: 270.2lbs (gain of 1.6lbs)