I'm a fucking failure. 10lb gain.
I am a mess!!!
So I decided to journal again. I haven't done it in ages but I can't lose if I don't track what I am eating and my thoughts... Here is Day 1
My handwriting is appalling but I guess it makes it more real... you get to see the real me! If you can read it.
So recently I seem to have hit a real sticking point. Despite trying to lose weight (I wanted to lose 14lbs this month - which is more than attainable for me at my current weight) I have actually gained 0.6lbs!!!
I feel sick. Not because I want to lose so much weight, but because I actually haven't lost anything. I feel like a fraud, a failure.
August will be different! I will not have a repeat of this shit show!
I want people to look at me and be shocked! I want to feel comfortable. I don't right now :(
I have never felt this rubbish in my life!!! This last week has been terrible. I have no idea why but since I started restricting (trying to) again, I have had THE WORST gas! Like I'm literally so bloated I feel pregnant again.
I actually spoke to my Dr about the bloating and troubles I am having with BM last week and said that I mourn the ability to use the toilet properly.
I used to be so regular, every morning without fail I'd wake up, poop and weigh myself. But I've ruined it. Long term laxative and codeine use have completely fucked up my digestive tract!
Who said eating disorders were glamourous? Eh? Join us if you never want to shit properly again!
So. Ive been away a long while...
There is a huge reason for that.... A huge reason.
I'm pregnant. 34weeks. Due in just under 40 days!
I've really made a huge effort to recover and be better for my daughter. I needed to make sure I was healthy for her to be.
I've gained weight, I'm not worried about it, and I'm confident that I'll be able to make positive changes when she's here.
So until we meet again...