Thursday, 20 November 2014

Health scare...

I feel shocking today. I had my results through from the Dr’s that my smear test is abnormal. So now I have had a biopsy and I am going to have to wait a further 4-6weeks to see if the changes indicate cancer. Since I had the biopsy I have been eating more than I do normally. It is more the stuff that I wouldn’t normally eat, like chips, sweets and chocolate bars.

That being said, because of that I haven’t actually weighed in this morning, I feel fatter than normal, and more bloated, the specialist has told me that it is normal to feel this way, and that it could last for a couple of weeks. I am due on my period anyway, so that’s going to be fun this month as it may be heavier.

I am trying to be more positive still. I am trying to be a bit more “self loving” too, so doing things like moisturising and painting my nails etc… Though I have been a bit slack on this of late; I have not been showing myself “enough” kindness, just the bare minimum. In the spirit of looking after myself I had some rice crispies for breakfast and a lunch meal from the shop for lunch. Now I feel so bloated and sick :X

I just don’t think I can cope with a normal eating pattern. Not after living the way I have for so long… I have been reading up about diets for different Zodiac signs, I have always believed in horoscopes as mine seem to be extremely dead on. I am a Cancer, I was born on the cusp of Gemini… check this quote out…. Tension, anxiety, and emotional stress are the leading causes of illness among Cancerians.

I suffer with anxiety, depression and my weight is high due to emotional eating…

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Weigh in

On sunday I weighed in at 274.6lbs, the lowest I have been since well over a year ago. Unfortunately I have had a health scare which resulted in me binging yesterday and I am up 3lbs this morning, but, I will get it off by the weekend I hope. I have been looking at a food blog and I have to admit I am very excited about trying some of the recipes.

I watched Starving in Surburbia on Sunday morning and I have to say I am not sure what the fuss was about... It doesn't really give a true reflection of some pro ana sites. I know that some of these sites are really bad, and they show the worst side of pro ana. It made me wonder whether people really understand the difference between pro ana and pro anorexia.

Pro Ana - Is a community of sufferers that DO NOT wish to recover at this point in their life. In these communities people share their concerns plans and daily gripes with a community of people who suffer with an ED. They do not give tips or tricks, they do not encourage Eating Disorders and in my experience they would never "teach" someone to develop an ED as they see ED's as a psychological illness and not a "diet".

Pro Anorexia - Is a community of people who worship ana. They share tips/tricks to help each other become "better" at hiding their ED's and they also allow people who do not have ED's to join.

I think it is difficult to separate the two as they are so close. But in my opinion pro ana sites are there as away of getting support from people who have similar issues, and again in my experience they offer information on Recovery and Support. Pro anorexia sites do not.

I would say that I am pro ana (not pro anorexia), but the media have labelled the pro ana community as the worst of the worst. I am aware that my disorder is a psychological disease. I am aware that my ideal bodyweight is low, and by other means unattainable. But I am not ready to recover at the moment, as sad as it sounds, I don't feel sick... I don't feel ill enough or thin enough to need to recover.

I am not sure if this makes sense but over the years I have met some people I will consider to be lifelong friends via pro ana sites. But I would never give tips or tricks to people. Its sick and wrong.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Busy busy...

I am sorry about my absence of late. I've been busy with a new computer game. I'm a nerd, a girl gamer :-)

In other news even though I had a huge meal on Friday night (more like a binge) I've lost another 4.6lbs. It a just not enough...

I have also been busy clearing out and listing clothes that are to big for me now on eBay. That way I can never allow myself to get to that size again. as I'd  have no clothes to wear.

Peace out my silent readers.

- Anna xx

- Anna xx

- Anna xx

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

How does this work??

I am really quite distressed today. Ive been restricting properly for well over a week and my weight is still not shifting. This isn’t like me at all. My body is broken!! I am not taking any supplements, just Aquaban and Adios Max. So there are no hidden calories there. I had a bit of a binge on cookies last night, but that can’t account for 1.6lbs…!!!! What is going on with my body…. I set myself a target of losing 18lbs by January 1st, that is easily attainable for me, as I am at a higher weight. But this is a joke. I cant even get below 275lbs… what the hell?

This is starting to really bother me, I don’t like being fat, I don’t want to be fat. I am eating most days around 700cals and I am GAINING weight?? How is that even possible?

I give up trying to understand my body. Genuinely!!

At the moment I feel trapped inside my own body. Like I can’t breathe or concentrate on anything else… I hate feeling this way!!


I need a cig!!

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Weight Loss Equivilants...

I love these, they help you visualise a little more, just how much weight you've lost.

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

Just a little....

I have finally lost some weight!!! 1lb.
One freaking pound. I am so fed up with this. It’s obvious how much I have messed my metabolism up over the years with my constant yo-yo dieting. In 4 weeks last year I lost almost 15lbs, now I am struggling to get 2 or 3 in a week. Anyway. I am still feeling a bit funny in the tummy area, a bit nauseous and as though my insides are bruised, so I am still consuming only liquids. Soup for lunch and a chunkier soup for my tea. My dreams are not so bad at the moment so my change in meds must be working.

I have some time off coming up too, I have managed to work it in line with the release of Warlords of Draenor so I will be at level 100 in no time.

I love this Weight Loss Equivelant gguide I have found, I will post it into a blog on its own. I have had it time and time again in the past and it really helps me visualise things… J
Enjoy and I’ll give a better update once I feel a bit better.


Monday, 10 November 2014

Monday morning blues....

I wish… I really do… Today is a hard one for me. I have been awake since 2:30am, I woke with crippling stomach pains and ended up sitting on the loo for about half an hour. After 3 days of constipation, I ended up with the runs so bad. The worst part is I am sat there thinking, well this should give me a good weight loss in the morning.

I started my weekend on Friday night by popping over to a friends and drinking a bottle of wine with her. I realised when I returned home around 9pm I had not eaten? Awesome, right? Wrong. I ended up binging when my BF ordered a take out. Saturday/Sunday I barely left the house, I played solid computer games. My stomach bloated, I didn’t want to eat much as I was so backed up.

Well that changed overnight, I have been avoiding using Lax as I don’t want to slip into that routine again, it took me forever to get my BM back into a regular pattern after last time. Anyway 2:30am, I woke with spasms and pain in my lower abdomen, painful to the point I almost vomited, and almost cried.

So this morning when my alarm went off I was exhausted. So sooo tired. It is also freezing!! Like mega cold, it is well and truly winter now!!

I have signed up to The Biggest Loser Challenge on a forum I visit. I am looking forward to kick-starting my weight loss again and I am using this challenge to do just that. I am in the Obese 2 (Morbidly Obese category) I am disgusted with myself. I took some photos yesterday that show me at 278.2lbs, My HW is 293…. So about 15lbs heavier. I don’t feel able to share them because I am so ashamed L  The next weigh in for the challenge is this Sunday.

My plan for today is to have a Fluids day, so hot drinks, cold drinks and soup. No chewable food will pass my lips.

Friday, 7 November 2014

The price of restricting

Urgh, I am having bowel problems… in that I can’t poop. I have been taking in <1000cals for days now and the dreaded constipation has set in. I can’t go on like this. So I am considering either a liquid fast or using Laxatives, though I am scared of using the latter, as I have abused them in the past and I know how easy and fast it is to get hold of them.
Due to the above, despite my low intake, I have gained 0.8lbs… I am heart-broken, I really wanted to go into the weekend on a loss.
I have recently joined MPA, which I have been dipping into and I am taking part in a month long competition starting on Sunday 9th. I am going to be competing with around 6 other people, all in the Obese2 Category, the aim is to lose weight, the person with the highest % of weight lost wins… I need to do this. I need to be in a good position. I can’t accept failure. Don’t worry my PAO lovelies, I am not going anywhere.
I’m tired. I will try and get an update on over the weekend.    

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

What am I sick and Tired of?

So I was asked on a forum I moderate “What are you sick and tired of”… Well, I could probably go on forever but I will try and keep it short and sweet.

I am sick and tired of feeling like I am a thin person trapped in a FAT body. I am in my late twenties, and still, I can never remember a time when I was actually happy with my figure. As a teenager, all of my friends were thinner than me and it made it really stand out, that I was so much taller, bigger and heavier than they were. I was always the one who defended my friends, and told bullies that if they wanted my friends, they’d have to go through me first. I still am that person to this day. That made me a target for bullies until someone actually took me up on the offer and I floored them. So high school for me wasn’t as bad as primary school. Anyway… still to this day, I’m bigger than ALL of my friends. I don’t have one friend that I can share clothes with or that I can say is bigger than me.
I am sick and tired of being tired ALL the time, no matter what I do I can never get through a day without yawning, without coffee I am like a zombie.

I am sick and tired of losing weight and then regaining it. Last year I lost 50+lbs, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was then forced to access ED services to recover. I went weekly to sessions, saw my GP monthly for blood test, but apart from being anaemic I had no health problems related to my ED. I was told that because of the length of my disorder, it would take a while for my body to readjust, and that while in the short term I would gain weight, in the long term I would end up losing. Bullshit! 12 months later I am almost back up to my HW. I promised myself that would never happen and here I am!! Never again!!! What makes it worse is that although I have managed to stop my self-induced vomiting, I still binge…
I am sick and tired of being poor. I am a homeowner, I am an employee and I am a girlfriend. The amount of money I spend on bills alone eat (pun intended) the majority of my wage. Then on top of that there is transport, food, pet care, laundry – it’s a joke. My money never lasts the month and I always find myself borrowing of family. It’s not fair. My home isn’t in the best area, there is a lot of work needs doing before I can consider selling up and moving home. But if I can never make money last the month how am I supposed to afford to make the repairs that are needed?

I am sick and tired of paying for prescriptions. £8.10 per item now, and I am on two medications for my depression and anxiety. That’s £16.20 a month. I pay a lot of tax, I pay National Insurance Contributions and I pay into a pension.  I have never once had a free prescription in my Adult life.
I am sick and tired of being me. Of waking up every morning feeling ok, then all of a sudden it hits me, I am me, I am depressed, I have anxiety, I have an eating disorder. From then it’s a run to the bathroom to try and poop (most of the time I am constipated from restricting). Then a jump on the scales, and then the number that shows denotes how I feel for the rest of the day. If I have gained, it tends to lead to a binge because of how ashamed I am, and how shitty I feel. If I have lost, I try and keep it up to lose the next day too.

I wish I could just wake up and this all to have been a nightmare... but it isn't, it's my life.

Monday, 3 November 2014

All Hallowed out.

I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!!! I went to visit my friend on Friday and as she has two toddlers it was awesome to see the effort that had been made in decorating the house.  I love Halloween, it is the only time of year I think I fit in, because at heart I am still the Goth I was as a teenager.  There are a few things I absolutely love in life and they are Skulls, Skeletons, Horses, and all things associated with Rock Music… and I mean old skool rock music, Nine Inch Nails, AC/DC and Motley Crue style!!!

That being said I didn’t go to the Halloween Party I was invited too. Instead I stayed in (on my own) and watched X Factor!!! I am so Rock and Roll, my friends would crucify me if they knew!!! I just couldn’t face it. Like every event so far this year, the only one I actually turned up for was my leaving do, and no – one else (except my bestie) turned up for that. I have spent the weekend wallowing in my own filth and playing World of Warcraft. The only person I have made the effort to see is the friend I mentioned above.

This is mainly due to my ED… I have noticed that as I got more involved with my ED around 2 years ago I have drastically changed my social life. Gone is the girl who used to go out 2/3 times a week, cinema, karaoke nights, clubs, pubs… I don’t get my hair done anymore, it’s about 18 months since I had it coloured/cut, not even a trim.

Again, this is mainly due to my ED, I don’t socialise. I literally wake up, work, go home, cook then telly, reading or gaming. I kind of miss my old social life, but at the same time I don’t remember it!

Anyway. My plans for November.

  • No Alcohol.
  • No Pastry.
  • No Bread.
  • No Chips.
  • No Takeaway food.
  • No eating in my car.
  • No Snacking between meals.

I have managed this before. In fact my diet got pretty strict and I stuck to it, in around 6 months I lost 50lbs. I aim to double that this time!! I am going to ban certain foods permanently, so will be adding a banned food list to my blog too.