Monday, 29 September 2014

I am pretty down at the moment

It’s been a while since I have felt this low…

I am just sick of being poor. I am sick of living frugally and scrimping/saving where I can. I got paid 4 days ago and ITS ALL GONE. Financial independence is bull shit when every month before you can even say “I have been paid” it is all gone on bills. It’s going to a quiet month.
I’m just tired of working and working my arse of and having nothing to show for it… I need to make changes that will save me money. I’m thinking that one of the best ways to do that is to quit drinking and smoking – which in all fairness; I am probably going to have to do anyway due to lack of money. It is so hard managing everything and being unable to even pay for my anxiety/sleeping meds…

This weekend I had a night out with my best friend. We had a really good catch up and headed to our local pub. I spent the majority of yesterday afraid to move in case I threw up, I have not been that hung over in a long time. I had a burger yesterday which I am so ashamed of.

This morning I have just dragged myself out of bed. I have been having some serious nightmares recently. I even woke up on Saturday morning shouting “Help”!! I am thinking this is likely due to the fact I haven’t been able to fill my prescription so my receptors in my brain are firing. Never mind anything else, but they are terrifying.  Have you ever been awake in your mind but your body has still been asleep? It’s like you feel like you need to move but you become paralysed and you can’t do anything but lay there not moving or making a sound. It’s very disorientating.
Yesterday I just wanted to cry, constantly, I think that is also due to lack of medication, and obviously alcohol is a depressant.

Anyway, this week for me is going to be busy. I am going to avoid alcohol were possible and try to reduce the amount I smoke. The main problem there is that it is likely going to mess my anxiety up even more.
The biggest trigger for me this week is that one of my co-workers appears to have an ED too, she is extremely thin and frail. But when I look at her instead of feeling bad for her, I envy her. I am sick!!! I wish for once I could just focus on everything else instead of my weight, like work, like seeing an old friend, like planning a post hen party. Like anything other than how worthless and ugly I feel. My face has erupted in spots, my skin is in its worst condition ever.  

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