I am very lethargic today again; feeling low; yet able to continue on with my life. I am trying to get to grips with “me”. I keep having really vivid terrifying nightmares. I have had some recently where I am being chased/attacked and I have woken up screaming out for help, or actually scratched my BF or hit him while I have been asleep. I have always had wild dreams, but not nightmares. I have never woken up shouting or screaming/hurt anyone before.
At worst I hate myself and just want to give up ( I am not suicidal anymore like I have been in the past). It isn’t that I want to give up on life. I just want to give up thinking that I will ever be happy with myself, or that I will ever change. Because all I seem to do is fail to achieve my goals or my desires. I would say that this is how I feel around 30% of the time at the moment. Sometimes (like last week) the negativity just takes over and I am like “Fuck it, I’m a whale, I’m never going to change, nothing works so I may as well just fill myself with whatever I want”. Now I know this is the main reason I am the way I am. But this is what I fight with on a daily basis.
At best, I feel positive and KNOW in my heart of hearts that this isn’t the end, I don’t have to give up and to make changes I have to make them. I know to choose a healthy over the stodgey calorie laden foods that I sometimes eat for comfort. Like yesterday, I sat with 9 colleagues in a pub, out of the 9 of us I was the only one who didn’t order Pie, Chips and Peas. I had a Cajun Chicken Breast with salad (it also came with chips which I wasn’t expecting. So I ate all of the salad, picked at the chicken and left the chips… The Pie looked so nice; and if I hadn’t been feeling good yesterday I would have had it. But I was feeling positive; I’d made an effort to look nice, so I took care of what I ate too.
So I guess that is my definition of a good day and a bad day… What is yours?
I am going to have a Prawn Salad for tea and spend some time watching a few programmes, clean the house, shower, put some clothes and books in bags for charity shop and wrap a package to post out tomorrow. I need to start clearing my house out of all of the old shitty stuff I don’t need to keep any more. Onwards and upwards, time to tidy out and live a lot cleaner than I have been doing.