Wednesday 15 October 2014

I live with the monster in my head...



We all know I have anxiety. If it’s not one things it’s another… the sounds I hear on a night make it almost impossible for me to sleep without my meds, it will be Friday before I can fill my prescription. Urgh. That’s another two sleepless nights…
Last night I laid there, listening to the wind outside, and listening to the creaks and squeaks my house makes.  I thought I had heard them all, but this sounded like rain… inside. I ended up getting out of bed and going around the house checking that the radiators didn’t need bleeding (they were fine). I then got back into bed but couldn’t settle, eyes wide and ears hearing every tiny sound…. Luckily when tidying a week or so ago I found a pair of ear buds so I put them in to cancel out the noise. After a while I panicked because I could hear something else… I quickly realised it was my heartbeat throbbing in my ears… doh!!! I eventually fell asleep, but it wasn’t restful! I hate my anxiety.
In other news, my period was two weeks late yesterday, I have taken two pregnancy tests (as I had a course of antibiotics last month) and both are negative. So now my mind is racing about why my period isn’t here (it’s never late). I have made an appointment for my next smear test next week, so I will bring it up with the nurse then as I am catasrophising again. Most of the time I feel bloated and uncomfortable and its always in my lower abdomen, not higher up. I hate being me sometimes…
My friend and I are going to start doing walks, good long technical walks, equipped with a flask, a camera and some walking boots, I can’t wait to see all of the beautiful wildlife and natural beauty spots around the UK. We both have the same sort of weight loss goal, to be toned and thinner, though I am looking to have defined hip bones and collar bones. I have a love affair with collar bones… :)  
 
I guess that I am a bit of a conundrum, I don’t want recovery, but I also don’t want to fall as deep as I have into my demons as I have in the past. I don’t want to eat, but I do, because I spent 6 months having the importance of food drilled into me… I don’t want other people to develop Eating Disorders, but I want to have razor sharp bones and lean muscle instead of being covered in fat… My mind is ALL over the place at the moment,  I guess as soon as I find my direction you guys will know too…

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