I’ve lost 3.4lbs this week.
I’ve been trying to avoid binge food and just eat healt hily but I know I have limits.
I’m not the kind of person who can sit next to a share size bar of chocolate and not eat it all... I never will be.
It’s like I have three people in my head. The anorexic who wants to starve and cries every time I eat. The bulimic who wants to binge on as much food as possible and relishes in the guilt I feel afterwards. That’s two...
The other person is me... the person who doesn’t want to feel either of the above. I just want to be able to eat without being out of control. I want to feel comfortable eating foods I enjoy without feeling such guilt and devastation afterwards....
It’s a vicious circle.
- I hate the way I look.
- I look the way I do because I overeat and I don’t look after myself.
- I restrict my food intake to punish myself for being a heifer.
- I feel good when I restrict.
- I slip and binge.
- I undo all of my hard work and feel guilty for binging.
- I feel like a failure for not being strong enough to abstain, so I binge some more.
- I take my mood out (I am angry with myself for being such a failure) on the people I care about.
- Then the cycle just repeats.
This is the way my life goes. I just go around and round in circles of the above cycle.
I am 263.2 today. I want to be under 260 this time next week.
