I hate being me. Why I hear you ask? Well I will list all the reasons for you… · My brain doesn’t switch off – I literally wake up worrying about what I have on that day, I get up go to the toilet and I weigh myself. Then I get dressed, reminding myself that I have to avoid clothes that are tight, that show my huge butt, of massive stomach. Then I go to work, and although I absolutely adore my job. I sit there worrying about what people are thinking about me, I walk by a colleague and I wrap my arms around myself to protect myself. I stress about what I have to do when I get home. Then I get home, and I have to try and wind myself down so that I can sleep. Then I go to bed, wake up and the same thing happens again. · I jump to conclusions – If people’s plans change or if no one contacts me I end up stressing like the above. Have I offended them, they don’t want to be your friend anyway!! They feel sorry for you, they don’t like you, YOU’RE FAT, you’ll never meet anyone who can make you feel like your worth anything. You’re a doormat – people just take advantage of you so why bother having friends. You have spots, that’s because you’re FAT and you’re STRESSED. You’re UGLY – That’s why no one likes you. · I feel like a thin person trapped in a fat body = This will never change, I will never be happy with my weight as it is. Hell, I weigh almost 19 stone. I AM FAT!!! I starve myself, lose weight, the unhappiness doesn’t lift, I binge I gain weight – It’s a vicious cycle. Im LAZY, I am UGLY and I am WORTHLESS. · I have never had spots in my life, all of a sudden I am covered. All over my face!!! · I sweat too, when I am worked up or anxious its like someone turns a tap on inside and I start to sweat, from my face, my top lip, my eyebrows EVEN MY F**KING EYEBROWS. · I am needy – I need constant reassurance that I am ok, that we’re ok, that I am doing things right, that I have not upset you, that I look ok, that you can’t see my fat, that I am not sweating, that I have not offended you. · I hate being alone for all of these reasons, I am not comfortable with my own company because then I have time to think about all of the above. · I’m never good enough. · I am a failure. · I’m more than likely going to die alone and unhappy (someone once told me this after a date)… I guess he is right, I probably am, via a mixture of alcohol anti depressants, and prescription painkillers/anxiety medication. To block out ALL OF THE ABOVE. I am never going to get a handle on this, I am never going to be OK. I am destined to be alone and unhappy.
Thursday, 22 January 2015
Tuesday, 20 January 2015
I've been keeping my head down for a while as a lot has been going on in my personal life.
Basically after 5 years my partner and I are likely to be separating. We are going to spend some time apart to figure out whether he actually wants to be with me, because it feels like he doesn't and I can't go on that way anymore.
I'm also going out more and seeing friends to try and keep busy. I think I'm ok with it all, I feel a lot stronger than I did 6 months ago. I'm just nervous about being on my own as its a huge trigger for me.
Workwise I am happy. In myself I am happy, but something at home just isn't right so hopefully, some time apart will make or break us.
I actually lost weight over Christmas with all of the stress, though recent binges have seen me gain the weight again. So I am around 270 at the moment.
I've been exercising at home, but I'm not giving it 100% with everything going on. So I am looking at joining the gym near my house with a friend.
More updates will come when I don't feel as paranoid about snoopers.