Just a little....

I have finally lost some weight!!! 1lb.

One freaking pound. I am so fed up with this. It’s obvious how much I have messed my metabolism up over the years with my constant yo-yo dieting. In 4 weeks last year I lost almost 15lbs, now I am struggling to get 2 or 3 in a week. Anyway. I am still feeling a bit funny in the tummy area, a bit nauseous and as though my insides are bruised, so I am still consuming only liquids. Soup for lunch and a chunkier soup for my tea. My dreams are not so bad at the moment so my change in meds must be working.

I have some time off coming up too, I have managed to work it in line with the release of Warlords of Draenor so I will be at level 100 in no time.

I love this Weight Loss Equivelant gguide I have found, I will post it into a blog on its own. I have had it time and time again in the past and it really helps me visualise things… J

Enjoy and I’ll give a better update once I feel a bit better.

A

Monday morning blues....

I wish… I really do… Today is a hard one for me. I have been awake since 2:30am, I woke with crippling stomach pains and ended up sitting on the loo for about half an hour. After 3 days of constipation, I ended up with the runs so bad. The worst part is I am sat there thinking, well this should give me a good weight loss in the morning.

I started my weekend on Friday night by popping over to a friends and drinking a bottle of wine with her. I realised when I returned home around 9pm I had not eaten? Awesome, right? Wrong. I ended up binging when my BF ordered a take out. Saturday/Sunday I barely left the house, I played solid computer games. My stomach bloated, I didn’t want to eat much as I was so backed up.

Well that changed overnight, I have been avoiding using Lax as I don’t want to slip into that routine again, it took me forever to get my BM back into a regular pattern after last time. Anyway 2:30am, I woke with spasms and pain in my lower abdomen, painful to the point I almost vomited, and almost cried.

So this morning when my alarm went off I was exhausted. So sooo tired. It is also freezing!! Like mega cold, it is well and truly winter now!!

I have signed up to The Biggest Loser Challenge on a forum I visit. I am looking forward to kick-starting my weight loss again and I am using this challenge to do just that. I am in the Obese 2 (Morbidly Obese category) I am disgusted with myself. I took some photos yesterday that show me at 278.2lbs, My HW is 293…. So about 15lbs heavier. I don’t feel able to share them because I am so ashamed L  The next weigh in for the challenge is this Sunday.

My plan for today is to have a Fluids day, so hot drinks, cold drinks and soup. No chewable food will pass my lips.

The price of restricting

Urgh, I am having bowel problems… in that I can’t poop. I have been taking in <1000cals for days now and the dreaded constipation has set in. I can’t go on like this. So I am considering either a liquid fast or using Laxatives, though I am scared of using the latter, as I have abused them in the past and I know how easy and fast it is to get hold of them.

Due to the above, despite my low intake, I have gained 0.8lbs… I am heart-broken, I really wanted to go into the weekend on a loss.

I have recently joined MPA, which I have been dipping into and I am taking part in a month long competition starting on Sunday 9^th. I am going to be competing with around 6 other people, all in the Obese2 Category, the aim is to lose weight, the person with the highest % of weight lost wins… I need to do this. I need to be in a good position. I can’t accept failure. Don’t worry my PAO lovelies, I am not going anywhere.

I’m tired. I will try and get an update on over the weekend.    

What am I sick and Tired of?

So I was asked on a forum I moderate “What are you sick and tired of”… Well, I could probably go on forever but I will try and keep it short and sweet.

I am sick and tired of feeling like I am a thin person trapped in a FAT body. I am in my late twenties, and still, I can never remember a time when I was actually happy with my figure. As a teenager, all of my friends were thinner than me and it made it really stand out, that I was so much taller, bigger and heavier than they were. I was always the one who defended my friends, and told bullies that if they wanted my friends, they’d have to go through me first. I still am that person to this day. That made me a target for bullies until someone actually took me up on the offer and I floored them. So high school for me wasn’t as bad as primary school. Anyway… still to this day, I’m bigger than ALL of my friends. I don’t have one friend that I can share clothes with or that I can say is bigger than me.

I am sick and tired of being tired ALL the time, no matter what I do I can never get through a day without yawning, without coffee I am like a zombie.

I am sick and tired of losing weight and then regaining it. Last year I lost 50+lbs, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was then forced to access ED services to recover. I went weekly to sessions, saw my GP monthly for blood test, but apart from being anaemic I had no health problems related to my ED. I was told that because of the length of my disorder, it would take a while for my body to readjust, and that while in the short term I would gain weight, in the long term I would end up losing. Bullshit! 12 months later I am almost back up to my HW. I promised myself that would never happen and here I am!! Never again!!! What makes it worse is that although I have managed to stop my self-induced vomiting, I still binge…

I am sick and tired of being poor. I am a homeowner, I am an employee and I am a girlfriend. The amount of money I spend on bills alone eat (pun intended) the majority of my wage. Then on top of that there is transport, food, pet care, laundry – it’s a joke. My money never lasts the month and I always find myself borrowing of family. It’s not fair. My home isn’t in the best area, there is a lot of work needs doing before I can consider selling up and moving home. But if I can never make money last the month how am I supposed to afford to make the repairs that are needed?

I am sick and tired of paying for prescriptions. £8.10 per item now, and I am on two medications for my depression and anxiety. That’s £16.20 a month. I pay a lot of tax, I pay National Insurance Contributions and I pay into a pension.  I have never once had a free prescription in my Adult life.

I am sick and tired of being me. Of waking up every morning feeling ok, then all of a sudden it hits me, I am me, I am depressed, I have anxiety, I have an eating disorder. From then it’s a run to the bathroom to try and poop (most of the time I am constipated from restricting). Then a jump on the scales, and then the number that shows denotes how I feel for the rest of the day. If I have gained, it tends to lead to a binge because of how ashamed I am, and how shitty I feel. If I have lost, I try and keep it up to lose the next day too.

I wish I could just wake up and this all to have been a nightmare... but it isn't, it's my life.

All Hallowed out.

I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!!! I went to visit my friend on Friday and as she has two toddlers it was awesome to see the effort that had been made in decorating the house.  I love Halloween, it is the only time of year I think I fit in, because at heart I am still the Goth I was as a teenager.  There are a few things I absolutely love in life and they are Skulls, Skeletons, Horses, and all things associated with Rock Music… and I mean old skool rock music, Nine Inch Nails, AC/DC and Motley Crue style!!!

That being said I didn’t go to the Halloween Party I was invited too. Instead I stayed in (on my own) and watched X Factor!!! I am so Rock and Roll, my friends would crucify me if they knew!!! I just couldn’t face it. Like every event so far this year, the only one I actually turned up for was my leaving do, and no – one else (except my bestie) turned up for that. I have spent the weekend wallowing in my own filth and playing World of Warcraft. The only person I have made the effort to see is the friend I mentioned above.

This is mainly due to my ED… I have noticed that as I got more involved with my ED around 2 years ago I have drastically changed my social life. Gone is the girl who used to go out 2/3 times a week, cinema, karaoke nights, clubs, pubs… I don’t get my hair done anymore, it’s about 18 months since I had it coloured/cut, not even a trim.

Again, this is mainly due to my ED, I don’t socialise. I literally wake up, work, go home, cook then telly, reading or gaming. I kind of miss my old social life, but at the same time I don’t remember it!

Anyway. My plans for November.

November.

• No Alcohol.
• No Pastry.
• No Bread.
• No Chips.
• No Takeaway food.
• No eating in my car.
• No Snacking between meals.

I have managed this before. In fact my diet got pretty strict and I stuck to it, in around 6 months I lost 50lbs. I aim to double that this time!! I am going to ban certain foods permanently, so will be adding a banned food list to my blog too.

The Power of Positive Thinking

I am trying to be a bit more positive at the moment, and not let my binging get me down.  I am currently 4 days binge free :) and very happy about that. So I am going to share my theory with you all and hope that maybe it will help you overcome any punishments you have devised for if you binge. When I am having a bad day, I want to binge and then it becomes a downward spiral. I'm sad so I binge then I binge because I am sad.

I used to be really hard on myself if I binged. I would purge with use of diuretics, laxatives and vomiting. I have also been so tormented that I have self-harmed. It’s not something I am proud of. In fact my ED is not something I am proud of, it makes me do things that no normal person would do and makes me feel things that normal people don’t feel.  So I could never be proud of that.

But I am proud of myself at the moment, and this is why.

In the past, if I had binged and subsequently gained, I used to have this period of time where I would punish myself by “just giving in”. I would stop actively trying to lose weight, I would stop looking after myself (leave my hair greasy, not paint my nails, not shave my legs etc…) and I would also eat anything and everything that I thought I wanted (take-away, fast food, sweets etc.) and I would eat them in bulk. This is how over the course of 4 days ill I managed to put on almost 5lbs.

I have since last week (and I know it’s a short period of time) decided that I am going to look fondly upon my relapse last week, and use it as a motivator.  In the past, after a week like last week I could have gone months in that cycle, but I haven’t. By changing my outlook I have managed to shake off the negativity and lose over half of what I gained already.

Every day is a new day, some days I wake up and hate myself, some days I think my hair looks ok, some days I feel revolting. But regardless of those feelings, I know that if I take each day as it comes and try to look at things with a positive spin instead of a negative one, then maybe I will be more successful in my weight loss journey.

So, that being said, here are a couple of thoughts around things that are important to me, and that affect me on a daily basis.

Binging – I now look at a binge like this. It’s A binge. Just a binge. I will not let this binge beat me. If I let it beat me I will only let go of all the hard work I have put in.  I may have gained 5lbs, but I am going to lose more than twice that just to show the binge that I can. My advice is if you have a binge, be it a big one, a little one or one that spans a week. Instead of letting the negative swallow you whole (pun intended), break the binge cycle by reminding yourself of how amazing you are, how you will not let a binge define you, and that one blip does not change who you are. Write it down, close it off and start fresh from the next day.

Bullies/Cheaters and Bitches – A lot of my friends are going through problems with people in their lives at the moment, because people they love/like are being unfair, bullying them, or cheating on them and ultimately  it’s upsetting the people I care about, as they don’t understand how people can be so callous/cruel. My advice in this situation is that you cannot change another person. Everyone is different and your morals/beliefs are not the same as other peoples. Just accept the fact that if John wants to cheat on Jill with Julie, then he is going to, and if Julie is going to have an affair with John, it certainly says more about the type of people John and Julie are than the type of person Jill is. Surround yourself with the people you trust and care about, keep the John’s and Jill’s of the world at arms length. I can count my real friend, the people I trust with my life on one hand (and I am in my late twenties).  It’s amazing how drama free my life is because of this.

Whats a Good/Bad day to you?

I am very lethargic today again; feeling low; yet able to continue on with my life. I am trying to get to grips with “me”. I keep having really vivid terrifying nightmares. I have had some recently where I am being chased/attacked and I have woken up screaming out for help, or actually scratched my BF or hit him while I have been asleep. I have always had wild dreams, but not nightmares. I have never woken up shouting or screaming/hurt anyone before.

At worst I hate myself and just want to give up ( I am not suicidal anymore like I have been in the past). It isn’t that I want to give up on life. I just want to give up thinking that I will ever be happy with myself, or that I will ever change. Because all I seem to do is fail to achieve my goals or my desires. I would say that this is how I feel around 30% of the time at the moment. Sometimes (like last week) the negativity just takes over and I am like “Fuck it, I’m a whale, I’m never going to change, nothing works so I may as well just fill myself with whatever I want”. Now I know this is the main reason I am the way I am. But this is what I fight with on a daily basis.

At best, I feel positive and KNOW in my heart of hearts that this isn’t the end, I don’t have to give up and to make changes I have to make them. I know to choose a healthy over the stodgey calorie laden foods that I sometimes eat for comfort. Like yesterday, I sat with 9 colleagues in a pub, out of the 9 of us I was the only one who didn’t order Pie, Chips and Peas. I had a Cajun Chicken Breast with salad (it also came with chips which I wasn’t expecting.  So I ate all of the salad, picked at the chicken and left the chips… The Pie looked so nice; and if I hadn’t been feeling good yesterday I would have had it. But I was feeling positive; I’d made an effort to look nice, so I took care of what I ate too.

So I guess that is my definition of a good day and a bad day… What is yours?

I am going to have a Prawn Salad for tea and spend some time watching a few programmes, clean the house, shower, put some clothes and books in bags for charity shop and wrap a package to post out tomorrow. I need to start clearing my house out of all of the old shitty stuff I don’t need to keep any more.  Onwards and upwards, time to tidy out and live a lot cleaner than I have been doing.

Blimp

Morning lovelies.

I'm out and about today so I'm using a mobile app to send this post. I hope it comes out ok.

I weighed in this morning and I feel sick. I've gained over 4lbs while I have been ill. Through comfort eating and binging on foods that should never pass my lips. I'm back at 280lbs. Fuck that.

I'm due to go for a staff meal out this afternoon with my colleagues. I'm going to select the lowest calorie item on the menu and eat half of it. It's difficult eating around people I don't know. But we are all going.

I have now decided that instead of allowing myself treat days. I'm just going to stick to my rules.

No Pastry.
No Sweets.
No Snacking.
No eating after 7pm AT ALL.

I am also going to walk my dog every day do a plank every morning for one minute (it will be more like 6 x 10 seconds).
20 squats
20 lunges (each leg)

I can't continue like this. I have clothes that I loved wearing last year and now I can't fit my boobs or bum into them.

No more! I am taking control back.

- Anna xx

- Anna xx

Infected!!!

I know it has been a while, a week – maybe more since my last post. I have been ill. Full of cold, sinusitis and a sore throat. I have been literally stuck in my house with the worst headache/migraines and cold/flu symptoms. I am finally back on form. Though I haven’t dared to weigh myself for around a week. I will get back on it tomorrow. But I can predict I will have gained. I ate take away 3 days out of 7, as I didn’t have the energy to cook.

Now I am back at work, still a bit snotty, but trying to get on top of things again. I spent some time yesterday looking after myself. Doing my hair, my nails and epilating. So I definitely feel a little more human, my spots are almost gone, so I don’t feel as hideous. I have also been able to use my hair removal cream to get rid of my moustache (the hairs are very fine but I know they’re there and I obsess about them.

I am looking forward to getting home tonight and chillaxing to the max. I have a prawn salad for tea, I have a little cleaning to do, but that won’t take too long. Then I may play some computer games for a while… (more than likely for most of the night).

I will give you all a better update tomorrow. Is there anything you’d like to know about me?

Feeling like a failure...

I have had a weekend of pure binging. My period appears to have finally landed, I have gained, im bloated. My period is 2 weeks late and is just so light. Im at the Drs next week for my smear test so I will chat to the nurse about it. I feel as though I need to gorge on everything at the moment. I woke up yesterday feeling ill and all snotty (common cold). Urgh. I feel like a complete failure. I need to get my head straight. I will make a proper update once I have.

xxx