I live with the monster in my head...

We all know I have anxiety. If it’s not one things it’s another… the sounds I hear on a night make it almost impossible for me to sleep without my meds, it will be Friday before I can fill my prescription. Urgh. That’s another two sleepless nights…

Last night I laid there, listening to the wind outside, and listening to the creaks and squeaks my house makes.  I thought I had heard them all, but this sounded like rain… inside. I ended up getting out of bed and going around the house checking that the radiators didn’t need bleeding (they were fine). I then got back into bed but couldn’t settle, eyes wide and ears hearing every tiny sound…. Luckily when tidying a week or so ago I found a pair of ear buds so I put them in to cancel out the noise. After a while I panicked because I could hear something else… I quickly realised it was my heartbeat throbbing in my ears… doh!!! I eventually fell asleep, but it wasn’t restful! I hate my anxiety.

In other news, my period was two weeks late yesterday, I have taken two pregnancy tests (as I had a course of antibiotics last month) and both are negative. So now my mind is racing about why my period isn’t here (it’s never late). I have made an appointment for my next smear test next week, so I will bring it up with the nurse then as I am catasrophising again. Most of the time I feel bloated and uncomfortable and its always in my lower abdomen, not higher up. I hate being me sometimes…

My friend and I are going to start doing walks, good long technical walks, equipped with a flask, a camera and some walking boots, I can’t wait to see all of the beautiful wildlife and natural beauty spots around the UK. We both have the same sort of weight loss goal, to be toned and thinner, though I am looking to have defined hip bones and collar bones. I have a love affair with collar bones… :)  

 

I guess that I am a bit of a conundrum, I don’t want recovery, but I also don’t want to fall as deep as I have into my demons as I have in the past. I don’t want to eat, but I do, because I spent 6 months having the importance of food drilled into me… I don’t want other people to develop Eating Disorders, but I want to have razor sharp bones and lean muscle instead of being covered in fat… My mind is ALL over the place at the moment,  I guess as soon as I find my direction you guys will know too…

Every little helps...

I feel shocking, I always do when I eat carb heavy food, really sluggish and just urgh!!! I had a couple of mini fillets in a batch roll and a hash brown (a poor womans KFC, with a fraction of the calories) but now I feel bloated, full and sleepy. My boyfriend is making us a Prawn Salad for tea , so I know I will still be under my calories for the day.

I am really positive about this at the moment though. My best friend is looking into losing weight healthily (I won’t be sharing any unhealthy tips/tricks with her as I can’t bear the thought of her going through what I went through). But I am looking forward to us working together and exercising together, which could be fun :-)

 

I want to be toned and have the defined “V” were my hips are… Like Fleur from X-Factor, just minus the actual 6 pack…

I am still taking an Adios tablet before each meal, the appestat I tried left me with an awful taste in my mouth and kept repeating on me but I am having little to no side effects from the Adios Max! They contain 600mg of Fucus Extract (which is basically Bladder-wrack aka Sea Weed). It is said to work by speeding up the metabolism and supressing hunger.  This is probably more of a selling point, but I find that the tablets don’t make me feel sicky like others have and that they also haven’t upset my stomach.

I don’t know how long this will take but I am determined to do it right this time. To not slip back into binging/purging, and to embrace a lifestyle change… I would like to start eating “clean” so making all foods from scratch, but until my finances are sorted it just isn’t a possibility.

Staying the same...

 

I suppose this is where I admit that I weigh myself every morning, apart from a Saturday!! (I don’t weight on a Saturday because I want to be able to enjoy  my Friday night/Saturday Day with my boyfriend without feeling guilty). It never works out that way though. It is always in the back of my mind. However it allows me to maybe have some food I wouldn’t normally allow myself, on the Friday night (Pizza, Chinese take-out etc…).

Anyway, the long and short of the above statement is that over the past 3 days I haven’t lost or gained. I have stayed exactly the same.  276.8lbs.

It’s not a number I am proud of. In fact I am disgusted with it. I hate being this size, I am a landwhale!! Urgh.

Anyway, I am making plans to become more active. As you all know times are hard at the moment, money is tight for me… but I am not going to let that stop me. I am thinking of starting a No cost fitness programme at home, so using bags with tins in as weights, planking, push ups, and crunches. Hopefully this will help me lose inches and feel better about myself. I am also hoping it will help with my sweaty-ness and the dark hairs growing on my chin… seriously I couldn’t be less glamorous if I tried. Apparently it’s my weight/hormones causing it :( I’m a soon to be bearded lady!!!!

I am also going to be more selfish. I never have been, I put my own plans to the side to do anything for anyone, but I am going to have more pamper “me” time. I will spend this time on beauty treatments, epilating/lasering body hair and doing pedicure/manicures etc… I am also going to spend more time on moisturising my body, as I want to try and keep my skin supple, to avoid having “baggy skin” as the weight comes off.  This is one of my BIGGEST fears, as there is no way in this life or the next I could ever afford to have corrective surgery as it costs tens of thousands of pounds.

I don’t want to look into weight loss surgery either, as I want to do it myself, and not take a shortcut. I did this to myself, and I need to repair the damage I have caused. A quick fix is not an option for me, I need to turn my life around for the better, and try to become healthier without destroying myself (again). Last year my whole life crumbled and I could function at even a basic level.  I can’t allow that to happen again!

Losing is good :)

Another loss this morning (0.4lbs) which I am happy for!! I think I am going to fast today as I haven’t done one for a while, should give me a boost for the next few days, I always get a weird high when I fast. I am looking forward to this weekend, just relaxing and listing things I am selling on ebay to make money…

 

My number one girl crush Blake Lively is pregnant!!! She has been my idol for years and is amazing thinspo.  I loved her in Gossip Girl!!!! So get ready for some thinspo spam…  well a few of my favourite pics of her. Congratulations Blake and Ryan!!!!

 I have been thinking about getting away somewhere for a few days. An old friend just offered to put me up in Dublin for a week, despite the fact he is with someone and so am I…  I have politely declined, even if we attempted to go away as friends, there has always been a underlying romance that never was… it’s like the song Romeo and Juliet, the timing was ALWAYS wrong. I do adore him but I am in love with my BF. So I can’t even consider his proposal. However Dublin is lovely.

This is my list of places I am dying to visit.

• Bruges
• Amsterdam
• Black Forest, Germany
• Reykjavik  
• Louisiana
• NYC

I have also been researching diet pills… has anyone come across any that they have had a positive experience with?

And we have a loss.....!!!

 

I am really happy with my loss this morning!!! 1.6lbs is amazing considering I have stayed the same for the last 2/3 days… I feel much better this morning because I have got up, had a shower and feel all clean and good to go… I was a bit narked off that I couldn’t find my hairdryer though so I currently look like Heidi!! Last night I felt so sick, I had come over with a headache from the fluorescent lighting at work and I was feeling very, very nauseated. Then after my tea I just binged away on biscuits and chocolate.

It is a nightmare living with a man who can eat whatever he wants and never put weight on, because he always buys treats and snacks. Then instead of just going through to the kitchen and getting the snacks when he wants them, he brings them through to the living room, all of them. So I end up picking. I will have a word tonight and ask him to stop doing it or only bring the bits he wants.  That way it should help me with my ridiculous snacking. Because I just go for it, one thing after another and then I feel shit afterwards. Maybe I should try and take up knitting again…

I am so skint at the moment, and I am still without my anti-depressants/anxiety meds… its likely to be next week before I get chance to get them, and by then I will have been around three weeks or so without them. Would I be better off going to see my Dr for a review? Or just stopping them? I think I know really, that I shouldn’t be just stopping them, but what am I supposed to do if it comes down to buying toilet roll/toothpaste/dog food or filling my prescription?? In the UK they charge around £8 per item and I have two items!! That’s two weeks worth of dog food; a quarter of a tank of petrol, or the essentials (bread, milk, cheese etc… for 2 weeks).

I am suffering really bad with my skin at the moment too, I have never had spots, and right now I have about 10-20 on my face, all around my chin and forehead. Even as a teenager I never suffered with acne. As a young adult people used to comment on how amazing my skin was. Then here I am, I am in my mid twenties and breaking out in a BIG way. So that just adds to how unattractive I feel!!!

Anyway, I am going into training. I need to take my mind off my flaws and distract myself.

I may post more later xxxx

A little ick....

I feel sick today. I was tired when I woke up, I have been up and down throughout the day but now I just feel nauseated. I haven’t had a particularly large lunch, drank too much or anything. But I have the worse headache and lethargy. Stupidly I agreed to go out tonight. Urgh. FML. I think I’d be happier just lying in bed for the night…

I got a letter from the ED unit yesterday saying that they are discharging me as a patient. Not sure how I feel about it. So I emailed my keyworker today and just told her that I am struggling a bit with my body image, but I still haven’t purged!!!

My brain feels like mush today so I am useless with words, but I am still updating my food diary and my weigh ins for you all…

 

This Weekend

What a busy weekend I have had. I have literally been going none stop since I finished work on Friday night. I picked my boyfriend’s friend up from the station as they were all going to a concert together. Luckily, there was so many of them that I physically couldn’t drive them to the gig as they wouldn’t fit in my car.

I drank almost a whole bottle of wine, but didn’t eat much after my binge at work. Then I just got comfy and started to watch Magic Mike.  I have the biggest crush on Joe Manganiello!!! (PIC BELOW)

 

Then Saturday I had to fly around the city buying bits and bobs. I ended up getting everyone a Burger King and I ate the biggest most calorific one there. So I had to cut out food for the rest of the day. But it wasn’t so bad. In cases like that a huge meal like that is the only thing I will have for the day.

Yesterday I had some housework to do, I listed about 20 things on Ebay for sale and then cleaned/gardened to the point I have got blisters on my hands, and I ache in places I never knew possible… But, I am almost ready to do the front yard and make it nice again. I have visions of plant pots with gorgeous flowers and hanging baskets with fuschia’s draping from them, but who am I kidding, I’d be better off with Cacti, as I am useless with plants. I am going to do my best though.

This week for me is about trying to get out of the 270’s… but that means like 9lbs off… Instead I am going to go for out of the 270s by the end of October, anything else is a bonus. I think 10lb a month is reasonable…

It is not like I have ditched recovery all together. I’m just actively trying to lose weight.

A little more...

I am feeling a little more optimistic today, I have put on a dress. It is black of course as I don’t often wear any other colour. I’m down 0.6lbs… which is probably the main reason for the positivity!! I am ridiculously tired though. I have the weirdest dreams, and last night I was stabbed in the stomach by someone. It wasn’t a nice dream, but when I eventually woke up I had my other half (we will call him David) still with me. David works in a factory, so is usually up and out by 5:30am every morning, this is the first morning that we have both been able to get up together and cuddle/love each other. I adore him… I would walk through fire for him.

I am looking forward to getting stuck into work and teaching people new skills, I feel like I was made for this role. I just need to feel more comfortable in my own skin…

I have been neglecting myself and my duties at home a bit recently. So this weekend I am going to have a huge sort through. Take some old clothes to the tip (if they are un-wearable) or the charity shop (if they are still lovely). Anything holey is going in the bin, which is a bit sad because some of my favourite clothes have holes in now. Then once I have gutted the place I am going to start decorating. My first job will be glossing; I am going to gloss all doors, skirting boards and frames, to try and brighten things up. Then we can start buying new things for the house.

I have asked my sister if she wants to move in with me too, just to bring in a little extra each month, and it should help with the costs of decorating.

If there are any questions for me then please ask them, I enjoy hearing from my readers J

Anna

Anxiety...

 

Anxiety is a shitty disorder to suffer from, I am on medication to help, but I cant afford to pay for the prescription.

All you need is one thing to trigger it and then BOOM. It’s all you can think about, you can’t focus on anything other than it and it consumes your mind totally. It makes you panic and (in my case) it makes you fall into old coping mechanisms.

For me, I find that I pick my skin, I will spend hours focussing on tiny pimples, hairs or just imperfections. I pick and pull until I have scabs and sore spots. I pick at the skin on my fingers until there are weeping sores along all of my fingers. Sometimes it’s so bad I struggle to sleep because of the pain, the throbbing pain that just overpowers me, yet I am powerless to stop it. I have tried a lot over the years to distract myself, but right now it is a lot worse than it has been.

I have just found out that I am going to be £280 a month down, and we struggle as it is… I just don’t know where we are going to make these savings from L I don’t know how to tell myself it will be ok…

Feeling FAT

 

I am feeling appalling at the moment… very lethargic/tired, but I am eating still, just not binging (I am 2 days binge free now (since Monday 29th). I am hoping to go the whole week without, but not sure I will make it.

I have decided that the best way for me to move forward is to take each step as it comes… If I have a binge, instead of freaking out and becoming a one woman eating machine, I am going to try and get into the mind set of, I made a boo boo, that was the mistake – and get myself back on track.

I have used diet pills in the past, at the moment I am using Appesat, it works by swelling in the stomach and sending signals that you are full to your brain. So as long as I don’t overeat, it should help me with my snacking. Although it is pretty expensive and I don’t have much left. Im pretty sure my GP won’t prescribe me anything ever again since my diagnosis of EDNOS. So I am going to work through my stockpiles and take things from there. I think I have a few tubs of ADIOS, I can have a look at when my Appesat runs out.

I am getting no closer to being able to join a Gym due to lack of money, so I am going to start doing things in my living room, like planking and weights, squats etc… all of the exercises that use your own body weight as a resistance.  So I will update you all on progress with that.

I am also thinking of using a “page” (a lot like my food diary and my weight log) to show my progress photos… What do you think? Bear in mind at the moment I am very large, almost back to my highest weight ever… So they won’t be pretty in any form, more like reverse thinspo….

I have a lot of house work and home improvements to pick up on and improve on. So I will be keeping myself busy with clearing out, garden work and taking things I don’t want to charity shop or listing them on ebay.  So I’m going to be busy, busy, busy, which hopefully means I wont binge.