I can't even dress myself...

 

Without genuinely hating everything about myself!! I buy myself nice clothes, things that I think will make me look fashionable, instead of just hiding in baggy clothes. But I always end up going back to my staple wardrobe. Wide legged black trousers, an oversized cardigan, a variety of baggy tops, or leggings, boots and a baggy dress.

I have literally spent a fortune buying pencil skirts, tights, shoes, and dresses to wear to work, even a gorgeous pair of cigarette trousers… but they are just too tight, too fitted. They make me feel whale-like. Last year, after a 6/7month restriction phase with little to no binging I felt a lot better about myself. I was at 235lbs. Now I have regained all of the weight I worked so hard to lose barring 15lbs. I am such a weak weak failure.

This isn’t about just losing weight for me; this is about being able to love myself again. Really love myself. To look in the mirror and be happy, to put on an outfit I WANT to wear, and then not ripping it off in a rush because I can’t stand how it makes me look.

I dug out all of my diuretics, diet pills and laxatives this morning. I have put a carry bag in my handbag and I now carry them with me.  I will not self-harm again, I know that now. But I will do whatever it takes to get this weight off and reach my goal weight. I do not want to slip back into bulimia. After years of starving and extreme diets, it was actually bulimia I was diagnosed with last year.

I am going to be careful and I will keep people updated. I’m so disgusted with myself I really have left myself no choice. Recovery may work for some people. But it doesn’t for me.