I am back from Europe

Hello my lovely readers

I am finally back to give you all an update.

I have been in Europe for a little while and unable to access my blog as I have been having too much fun, that fun was completely destroyed when I returned home from my holiday (in which I swam most days, ate cautiously and hardly snacked) to find I have gained 4lbs!!!!

I'm so angry with myself :(

I have been struggling to keep a handle on my anxiety - I had a few anxiety attacks while there, I am just fed up with myself. I am sure I will get back on track, but until I do I am going to restrict and eat mindfully.

Peace out!

Atkins Diet

I was wondering if anyone follows a low carb diet like the Atkins Diet?

Over the last few months I have realised that I have been eating some really carb heavy foods to try and fill myself up, but I often find it really difficult to wake up in a morning (which isn't good seeing as I want to start heading to the gym at 6:30am. Also I have been very bloated. Then I bumped into someone I have not seen for years and she has lost a ton of weight following the Atkin's Diet.

In the past my daily intake has been under 800cals, usually consisting of a few table spoons of cereal with Almond Milk, an Apple and a small salad. More recently I have been eating Chips (potato fries), bread and pasta and I am definitely the biggest I have been in around 2 years - Almost back to my HW.

I never realised Carbs were sugar!!! It was only in recovery last year that I found this out, this has in turn made me realise how stupid my diet has been, sugar for breakfast (carbs), sugar for lunch (sandwich or chips with chicken) and then heading home for pasta, or salad (usually more carbs).

Now I am under no illusions, Carbs = Sugar. Sugar = addictive (more addictive than any other drug, including crack cocaine!!!). This is why I have been binging in my opinion, the more I look at it, the more I realise that my binges are always sugar/carbs!!!

I am obviously going to put a stop to that.

From this day on I am making it official - I am cutting carbs out (not completely but around 20g a day).

No Bread
No Pasta (I will either use veggies, if I can find a spiraliser for cheap or the shiritaki noodles/Konjac)
No white potatoes (this includes crisps, jacket, mash, chips/fries).
No Apples (apples have around 15g of carbs in one apple).

I have decided to do this from today and have so far found it difficult (as I was in no way prepared), but I work next to a supermarket so I have managed to find some low carb bits and bobs.

B - None
L - Chicken leg/ roasted no skin.
D - Sausage, Cauliflower Mash, Broccoli
S - cube of cheese, 8 grapes, pepperami stick.

This may still change, I have found that a lot of VLC foods (crackers, slim a soup etc) are really high in carbs, which your body then turns to sugar. Sugar is the devil lol.

I am also going to have to find some Keto Sticks to make sure that I am in Ketosis by next week, if I am not then something may have slipped by me and maybe I am getting to many carbs.

This is all new to me but I am going to try and see how it works and if it suits me... we shall soon see :)

Out of Control

Hello my lovelies J
 

Today’s intake.

Breakfast: Special K (20g) with Skimmed milk (100ml) – 146cals

Lunch: Tomato and Grilled Pepper Cup a Soup – 85cals

Dinner: (not had yet but I am thinking carrot/celery sticks and some hummous)

 

Water: 2/10 glasses

 

Things have been a bit up and down for me recently, I am trying desperately to accept my body and not fall back into the deep depression I have managed to kind of pull myself out of, but I am finding it very very hard at the moment.

I am trying not to deny myself anything I want, and trying to enjoy what I am having but it is getting harder and harder. Restriction for me leads to binges, and binges lead to purging so I don’t want to fall back down that slippery slope.

I am huge though, I think I am in (BMI) Obese II at the moment, so I feel like a whale. I haven’t had a lot of money so I have been trying to eat on the cheap, but cheap food isn’t really that good for you L

Things are good at home though, apart from the fact that I am struggling with my motivation to do anything. I just want to sit and relax which isn’t helping me.  I need to kick myself up the bum and get myself back in gear.

I am going to set my alarm for 6:15 am in the morning with the intention of getting my arse out of bed and going to the gym to get some early morning cardio in…. How can I force myself to do it?

Feeling a bit unsure.

So. Ive been absent for a while again while I worked on trying to accept myself. Everything seemed to be going well for quite a while... But things always take a turn and make me feel like shit.

Ive made friends at work. Two people on particular I was close to, I had a Week off on leave for my birthday and when I came back they're being "different" with me. 

I've always kept their confidence and been there for them, and now the connection just isn't there anymore. It's bringing me down a bit.

I'm trying to have the mindset of, other people don't validate your happiness, you need to be happy with yourself first.

But this is really bothering me.

It's making me feel a bit shitty if I'm honest.

Anna xx

I've fallen down the rabbit hole...

I am feeling quite high today, Im in a good mood, I feel like I am in a good place, BUT.

I've started fasting/restricting again. It was inevitable, it was always going to happen again.

SW: 1st June,  288.8lbs

4th June 284lbs.

I had a fast day yesterday. I limited myself to 151cals throughout the whole day. Today I will mainly be eating fruit. (I have an apple a Satsuma and a Banana with me). So I should manage a sub 200 day today again.

Update - June 1st 2015

My oh My!!! ITs been months since I last posted on here - life just flies by doesn't it, and we are just here to enjoy the ride (or not enjoy it)...

Since I last updated here I have officially regained all of my weight I had lost. I am 4lbs off my HW and not very happy about it. I am now starting again fresh - I have had my fun (binging on whatever I wanted) and now I am here to stay... here to lose weight.

I am starting a June challenge. I have set myself a target of not binging outside of my meal and snack times, and I also want to lose 8.8lbs. This will bring me back to 280...

I have has a meal plan devised by a Personal Trainer and I am hoping that if I follow it I will be able to stop the late night snacking on shit, anyway - I'm going to update you all now. If anyone would like to view this diet plan then let me know and I will upload it.

Work
Things with work are going really well, I am getting more and more confident and I have made some friends that I am hoping I will keep for a long time. I get the impression its a bit one sided with some people, like I will go out of my way for them, but they don't do the same for me. The company I am working for lost some major contracts so it looks like we will be transferred to a new employer at some point towards the end of this year or beginning of next, so we will just see from there.

Home
Things at home are good, My OH (Other Half) and I are in a really good place, we are in looove :) and I love being in Love with him!! We almost split over Christmas but that has all changed now and we are in a really good place which I am happy about. My dogs are both good, though my bitch is in heat at the moment, we are going to have to get her spayed at some point soon as she keeps having Phantom Pregnancies. Some douche bag drove into my car last week too so I need to get it repaired this week.

Health
I am not quite sure how I am, my anxiety has been worse over the last few months than it has been in a while, but I am coping with it. I had an abnormal smear test last year, so I am having to have further testing done on that. I am also being tested for PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) which I am not to thrilled about, but who knows, it would explain a lot, but I am not there yet.

ED
Eating Disorder wise I have been stuck in a binge cycle for around 4 months. I am hoping to follow the meal plan that my PT has written for me for the next 3/4 weeks and I am hoping it will kick start my weight-loss so that I can get back on track again, as I am really not happy at the moment.

Things are changing...

Hello my lovelies!!!

So since I last posted I have joined the gym. I've been eating clean and I have lost 7lbs in 7days :-)

I've been having my overnight oats with flaxseed for breakfast.

Rice cakes with whole earth peanut butter for lunch..

Chicken/steak with veggies or salad for tea.

In between I've been snacking on grapes and celery sticks/carrots.

I'm so happy and I'm so on track. I had a horrendous binge period that lasted about two weeks and I gained 7lb. I've lost that this week alone. looking forward to getting thinner and leaner :-)

I have been struggling with my anxiety tells. Skin picking etc. but I'm hoping a clean diet will help me improve on this xx but on a more personal note my b/f and I are working things out :-)

Speak soon ladies.

Sluggish

Sluggish

1.    slow-moving or inactive.

2.    lacking energy or alertness.

This is precisely how I feel today. In fact I have been feeling like this for over a week now. Tired, lethargic and rundown are also words I would use to describe how I feel.

I had a night out a few weeks ago, during the course of the evening I ended up being grabbed by another woman and I think this has caused damage to the lower part of my back. It aches constantly – I’d put the pain at about a 4/5 but it never stops, even when I am sat down/resting it’s just constantly there. Every now and then I get these jolts of pain, I’d say these are a 7/8 and it feels like the flabby a part of skin on my hips (love handles) is being torn or burnt with a flame, these take my breath away and often make me gasp or cry out in pain. The Dr thought it could be Kidney stones, but alas, I am now assured it isn’t. But that doesn’t help with the pain I am feeling.

My boyfriend of 6 years was due to move out last week after lengthy discussions on what we want out of life, he decided he wanted to fight for our relationship, so has decided to stay in the house with me so that’s a huge weight off. But lately I have found myself binging. It feels like I have a black hole in my chest/stomach and I can just eat and eat. I don’t feel full I literally just eat, find something else and then something else. The reason I am mentioning this is because I haven’t purged in well over 9 months, and I am scared I am going to start again.

I feel at a loss at the moment, like I am just surviving but not living, which makes me sad. I have so much I want to do in life but I don’t have the funds or the motivation to do it. At the same time, I know no-one else will do it for me, so I’m just coasting through life in neutral and it’s all my own fault.

The things I want out of life are: -

• To be thin – to lose weight and be happier in myself.
• To do some A Levels – I really want to apply my brain and further my education, I want to study Biology, Chemistry and Physics at A Level. However for an Adult in employment like myself, my only options are to study from home, and each A Level costs around £330. I don’t have enough money to do them.
• To decorate my house – This also costs money that I don’t have at the moment.
• To do a military fitness army style assault course – I’d need to get fit and it costs money to enter.
• To be a mum – I want to have children, however I am not sure my boyfriend does.

They seem really attainable, but they aren’t to me. I am stuck in this routine of getting paid, bills going out and then struggling through for the rest of the month, I don’t see any way out of this repetitive cycle.

So I am just meh, coasting, sluggish, lethargic. Am I worthy of any of the above?

I am sick

I feel sick with myself. I'm such a huge mess. I managed to get under 270 over Christmas and now I am back at 274.4. Fuck this. I need to loose. I've just written my commandments to live by and I will not deviate from them.

My ultimate priority is weight loss. I'm sure the fact I'm so fat is causing my body to hurt and ache more than a regular person. So I'm not going to allow myself to gain anymore. It's just a joke how much I hate myself, I've allowed myself to get this way.

I feel like I need to regain control of this urge to binge and snack. I will regain control. I will not allow my lazy fat self to continue this way. I'll be dead at 40 if I continue to gain at this rate.

No more.

Sorry I have been away!!!

I have been away for a week or so, so apologies for not updating. I found it really hard to stay motivated while I was away because of the amount of time I was spending on my own. I was away for the best part of two weeks on a residential training course. I gained around 4lbs in that time, which is the worst part about my time away, having to eat out every night or buy convenience food. Ick.

Anyway, I am back on track and attempting to get back to 272. Im hoping I can be there by Sunday.

I am still loving my job and the people I work with, minus a few trouble causers, but that can’t be helped. You get trouble causers everywhere.

I have been looking at prices for Gym memberships as I am looking forward to getting back at the gym. I am also going to dedicate half an hour a night to sit ups/press ups, squats and lunges (with a kettlebell), see if I can change my shape and conditioning a bit in the mean time. I have been taking progress pics, but I am still to ashamed to share them.

This morning I weighed in at 274.4lbs, my next GW is 260… I hope to make I there early in the new year if not sooner.  I am also taking a bit of extra time to look after myself, do my nails and my hair. My anxiety is well managed at the moment so although I am having the odd blip I am doing good! I am struggling a bit with my relationship. Feeling very underappreciated. We keep arguing about silly things, well its not so much an argument as me getting blamed for stuff. I have got the point where I am beginning to lose faith now. This time last year I’d have just taken the verbal battering, but now I know I don’t deserve it so I am sticking up for myself. It is still very painful. But I wouldn’t take that kind of shit off anyone else. So yeah. I am thinking more about ME now. Which is something I have never done before.

Updates as always will be as and when I get chance. If you know any good workouts for core strength let me know, as I am trying to tone my flubber at the moment.

Health scare...

I feel shocking today. I had my results through from the Dr’s that my smear test is abnormal. So now I have had a biopsy and I am going to have to wait a further 4-6weeks to see if the changes indicate cancer. Since I had the biopsy I have been eating more than I do normally. It is more the stuff that I wouldn’t normally eat, like chips, sweets and chocolate bars.

That being said, because of that I haven’t actually weighed in this morning, I feel fatter than normal, and more bloated, the specialist has told me that it is normal to feel this way, and that it could last for a couple of weeks. I am due on my period anyway, so that’s going to be fun this month as it may be heavier.

I am trying to be more positive still. I am trying to be a bit more “self loving” too, so doing things like moisturising and painting my nails etc… Though I have been a bit slack on this of late; I have not been showing myself “enough” kindness, just the bare minimum. In the spirit of looking after myself I had some rice crispies for breakfast and a lunch meal from the shop for lunch. Now I feel so bloated and sick :X

I just don’t think I can cope with a normal eating pattern. Not after living the way I have for so long… I have been reading up about diets for different Zodiac signs, I have always believed in horoscopes as mine seem to be extremely dead on. I am a Cancer, I was born on the cusp of Gemini… check this quote out…. Tension, anxiety, and emotional stress are the leading causes of illness among Cancerians.

I suffer with anxiety, depression and my weight is high due to emotional eating…

Weigh in

On sunday I weighed in at 274.6lbs, the lowest I have been since well over a year ago. Unfortunately I have had a health scare which resulted in me binging yesterday and I am up 3lbs this morning, but, I will get it off by the weekend I hope. I have been looking at a food blog http://www.eat-yourself-skinny.com/ and I have to admit I am very excited about trying some of the recipes.

I watched Starving in Surburbia on Sunday morning and I have to say I am not sure what the fuss was about... It doesn't really give a true reflection of some pro ana sites. I know that some of these sites are really bad, and they show the worst side of pro ana. It made me wonder whether people really understand the difference between pro ana and pro anorexia.

Pro Ana - Is a community of sufferers that DO NOT wish to recover at this point in their life. In these communities people share their concerns plans and daily gripes with a community of people who suffer with an ED. They do not give tips or tricks, they do not encourage Eating Disorders and in my experience they would never "teach" someone to develop an ED as they see ED's as a psychological illness and not a "diet".

Pro Anorexia - Is a community of people who worship ana. They share tips/tricks to help each other become "better" at hiding their ED's and they also allow people who do not have ED's to join.

I think it is difficult to separate the two as they are so close. But in my opinion pro ana sites are there as away of getting support from people who have similar issues, and again in my experience they offer information on Recovery and Support. Pro anorexia sites do not.

I would say that I am pro ana (not pro anorexia), but the media have labelled the pro ana community as the worst of the worst. I am aware that my disorder is a psychological disease. I am aware that my ideal bodyweight is low, and by other means unattainable. But I am not ready to recover at the moment, as sad as it sounds, I don't feel sick... I don't feel ill enough or thin enough to need to recover.

I am not sure if this makes sense but over the years I have met some people I will consider to be lifelong friends via pro ana sites. But I would never give tips or tricks to people. Its sick and wrong.

How does this work??

I am really quite distressed today. Ive been restricting properly for well over a week and my weight is still not shifting. This isn’t like me at all. My body is broken!! I am not taking any supplements, just Aquaban and Adios Max. So there are no hidden calories there. I had a bit of a binge on cookies last night, but that can’t account for 1.6lbs…!!!! What is going on with my body…. I set myself a target of losing 18lbs by January 1^st, that is easily attainable for me, as I am at a higher weight. But this is a joke. I cant even get below 275lbs… what the hell?

This is starting to really bother me, I don’t like being fat, I don’t want to be fat. I am eating most days around 700cals and I am GAINING weight?? How is that even possible?

I give up trying to understand my body. Genuinely!!

At the moment I feel trapped inside my own body. Like I can’t breathe or concentrate on anything else… I hate feeling this way!!

 

I need a cig!!

Weight Loss Equivilants...

I love these, they help you visualise a little more, just how much weight you've lost.

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

The price of restricting

Urgh, I am having bowel problems… in that I can’t poop. I have been taking in <1000cals for days now and the dreaded constipation has set in. I can’t go on like this. So I am considering either a liquid fast or using Laxatives, though I am scared of using the latter, as I have abused them in the past and I know how easy and fast it is to get hold of them.

Due to the above, despite my low intake, I have gained 0.8lbs… I am heart-broken, I really wanted to go into the weekend on a loss.

I have recently joined MPA, which I have been dipping into and I am taking part in a month long competition starting on Sunday 9^th. I am going to be competing with around 6 other people, all in the Obese2 Category, the aim is to lose weight, the person with the highest % of weight lost wins… I need to do this. I need to be in a good position. I can’t accept failure. Don’t worry my PAO lovelies, I am not going anywhere.

I’m tired. I will try and get an update on over the weekend.    

The Power of Positive Thinking

I am trying to be a bit more positive at the moment, and not let my binging get me down.  I am currently 4 days binge free :) and very happy about that. So I am going to share my theory with you all and hope that maybe it will help you overcome any punishments you have devised for if you binge. When I am having a bad day, I want to binge and then it becomes a downward spiral. I'm sad so I binge then I binge because I am sad.

I used to be really hard on myself if I binged. I would purge with use of diuretics, laxatives and vomiting. I have also been so tormented that I have self-harmed. It’s not something I am proud of. In fact my ED is not something I am proud of, it makes me do things that no normal person would do and makes me feel things that normal people don’t feel.  So I could never be proud of that.

But I am proud of myself at the moment, and this is why.

In the past, if I had binged and subsequently gained, I used to have this period of time where I would punish myself by “just giving in”. I would stop actively trying to lose weight, I would stop looking after myself (leave my hair greasy, not paint my nails, not shave my legs etc…) and I would also eat anything and everything that I thought I wanted (take-away, fast food, sweets etc.) and I would eat them in bulk. This is how over the course of 4 days ill I managed to put on almost 5lbs.

I have since last week (and I know it’s a short period of time) decided that I am going to look fondly upon my relapse last week, and use it as a motivator.  In the past, after a week like last week I could have gone months in that cycle, but I haven’t. By changing my outlook I have managed to shake off the negativity and lose over half of what I gained already.

Every day is a new day, some days I wake up and hate myself, some days I think my hair looks ok, some days I feel revolting. But regardless of those feelings, I know that if I take each day as it comes and try to look at things with a positive spin instead of a negative one, then maybe I will be more successful in my weight loss journey.

So, that being said, here are a couple of thoughts around things that are important to me, and that affect me on a daily basis.

Binging – I now look at a binge like this. It’s A binge. Just a binge. I will not let this binge beat me. If I let it beat me I will only let go of all the hard work I have put in.  I may have gained 5lbs, but I am going to lose more than twice that just to show the binge that I can. My advice is if you have a binge, be it a big one, a little one or one that spans a week. Instead of letting the negative swallow you whole (pun intended), break the binge cycle by reminding yourself of how amazing you are, how you will not let a binge define you, and that one blip does not change who you are. Write it down, close it off and start fresh from the next day.

Bullies/Cheaters and Bitches – A lot of my friends are going through problems with people in their lives at the moment, because people they love/like are being unfair, bullying them, or cheating on them and ultimately  it’s upsetting the people I care about, as they don’t understand how people can be so callous/cruel. My advice in this situation is that you cannot change another person. Everyone is different and your morals/beliefs are not the same as other peoples. Just accept the fact that if John wants to cheat on Jill with Julie, then he is going to, and if Julie is going to have an affair with John, it certainly says more about the type of people John and Julie are than the type of person Jill is. Surround yourself with the people you trust and care about, keep the John’s and Jill’s of the world at arms length. I can count my real friend, the people I trust with my life on one hand (and I am in my late twenties).  It’s amazing how drama free my life is because of this.

Whats a Good/Bad day to you?

I am very lethargic today again; feeling low; yet able to continue on with my life. I am trying to get to grips with “me”. I keep having really vivid terrifying nightmares. I have had some recently where I am being chased/attacked and I have woken up screaming out for help, or actually scratched my BF or hit him while I have been asleep. I have always had wild dreams, but not nightmares. I have never woken up shouting or screaming/hurt anyone before.

At worst I hate myself and just want to give up ( I am not suicidal anymore like I have been in the past). It isn’t that I want to give up on life. I just want to give up thinking that I will ever be happy with myself, or that I will ever change. Because all I seem to do is fail to achieve my goals or my desires. I would say that this is how I feel around 30% of the time at the moment. Sometimes (like last week) the negativity just takes over and I am like “Fuck it, I’m a whale, I’m never going to change, nothing works so I may as well just fill myself with whatever I want”. Now I know this is the main reason I am the way I am. But this is what I fight with on a daily basis.

At best, I feel positive and KNOW in my heart of hearts that this isn’t the end, I don’t have to give up and to make changes I have to make them. I know to choose a healthy over the stodgey calorie laden foods that I sometimes eat for comfort. Like yesterday, I sat with 9 colleagues in a pub, out of the 9 of us I was the only one who didn’t order Pie, Chips and Peas. I had a Cajun Chicken Breast with salad (it also came with chips which I wasn’t expecting.  So I ate all of the salad, picked at the chicken and left the chips… The Pie looked so nice; and if I hadn’t been feeling good yesterday I would have had it. But I was feeling positive; I’d made an effort to look nice, so I took care of what I ate too.

So I guess that is my definition of a good day and a bad day… What is yours?

I am going to have a Prawn Salad for tea and spend some time watching a few programmes, clean the house, shower, put some clothes and books in bags for charity shop and wrap a package to post out tomorrow. I need to start clearing my house out of all of the old shitty stuff I don’t need to keep any more.  Onwards and upwards, time to tidy out and live a lot cleaner than I have been doing.

Infected!!!

I know it has been a while, a week – maybe more since my last post. I have been ill. Full of cold, sinusitis and a sore throat. I have been literally stuck in my house with the worst headache/migraines and cold/flu symptoms. I am finally back on form. Though I haven’t dared to weigh myself for around a week. I will get back on it tomorrow. But I can predict I will have gained. I ate take away 3 days out of 7, as I didn’t have the energy to cook.

Now I am back at work, still a bit snotty, but trying to get on top of things again. I spent some time yesterday looking after myself. Doing my hair, my nails and epilating. So I definitely feel a little more human, my spots are almost gone, so I don’t feel as hideous. I have also been able to use my hair removal cream to get rid of my moustache (the hairs are very fine but I know they’re there and I obsess about them.

I am looking forward to getting home tonight and chillaxing to the max. I have a prawn salad for tea, I have a little cleaning to do, but that won’t take too long. Then I may play some computer games for a while… (more than likely for most of the night).

I will give you all a better update tomorrow. Is there anything you’d like to know about me?

Feeling like a failure...

I have had a weekend of pure binging. My period appears to have finally landed, I have gained, im bloated. My period is 2 weeks late and is just so light. Im at the Drs next week for my smear test so I will chat to the nurse about it. I feel as though I need to gorge on everything at the moment. I woke up yesterday feeling ill and all snotty (common cold). Urgh. I feel like a complete failure. I need to get my head straight. I will make a proper update once I have.

xxx

I live with the monster in my head...

We all know I have anxiety. If it’s not one things it’s another… the sounds I hear on a night make it almost impossible for me to sleep without my meds, it will be Friday before I can fill my prescription. Urgh. That’s another two sleepless nights…

Last night I laid there, listening to the wind outside, and listening to the creaks and squeaks my house makes.  I thought I had heard them all, but this sounded like rain… inside. I ended up getting out of bed and going around the house checking that the radiators didn’t need bleeding (they were fine). I then got back into bed but couldn’t settle, eyes wide and ears hearing every tiny sound…. Luckily when tidying a week or so ago I found a pair of ear buds so I put them in to cancel out the noise. After a while I panicked because I could hear something else… I quickly realised it was my heartbeat throbbing in my ears… doh!!! I eventually fell asleep, but it wasn’t restful! I hate my anxiety.

In other news, my period was two weeks late yesterday, I have taken two pregnancy tests (as I had a course of antibiotics last month) and both are negative. So now my mind is racing about why my period isn’t here (it’s never late). I have made an appointment for my next smear test next week, so I will bring it up with the nurse then as I am catasrophising again. Most of the time I feel bloated and uncomfortable and its always in my lower abdomen, not higher up. I hate being me sometimes…

My friend and I are going to start doing walks, good long technical walks, equipped with a flask, a camera and some walking boots, I can’t wait to see all of the beautiful wildlife and natural beauty spots around the UK. We both have the same sort of weight loss goal, to be toned and thinner, though I am looking to have defined hip bones and collar bones. I have a love affair with collar bones… :)  

 

I guess that I am a bit of a conundrum, I don’t want recovery, but I also don’t want to fall as deep as I have into my demons as I have in the past. I don’t want to eat, but I do, because I spent 6 months having the importance of food drilled into me… I don’t want other people to develop Eating Disorders, but I want to have razor sharp bones and lean muscle instead of being covered in fat… My mind is ALL over the place at the moment,  I guess as soon as I find my direction you guys will know too…