We all know I have anxiety. If it’s not one things it’s
another… the sounds I hear on a night make it almost impossible for me to sleep
without my meds, it will be Friday before I can fill my prescription. Urgh. That’s
another two sleepless nights…
Last night I laid there, listening to the wind outside, and
listening to the creaks and squeaks my house makes. I thought I had heard them all, but this
sounded like rain… inside. I ended up getting out of bed and going around the
house checking that the radiators didn’t need bleeding (they were fine). I then
got back into bed but couldn’t settle, eyes wide and ears hearing every tiny
sound…. Luckily when tidying a week or so ago I found a pair of ear buds so I
put them in to cancel out the noise. After a while I panicked because I could
hear something else… I quickly realised it was my heartbeat throbbing in my
ears… doh!!! I eventually fell asleep, but it wasn’t restful! I hate my
anxiety.
In other news, my period was two weeks late yesterday, I
have taken two pregnancy tests (as I had a course of antibiotics last month)
and both are negative. So now my mind is racing about why my period isn’t here
(it’s never late). I have made an appointment for my next smear test next week,
so I will bring it up with the nurse then as I am catasrophising again. Most of
the time I feel bloated and uncomfortable and its always in my lower abdomen,
not higher up. I hate being me sometimes…
My friend and I are going to start doing walks, good long
technical walks, equipped with a flask, a camera and some walking boots, I can’t
wait to see all of the beautiful wildlife and natural beauty spots around the
UK. We both have the same sort of weight loss goal, to be toned and thinner,
though I am looking to have defined hip bones and collar bones. I have a love
affair with collar bones… :)
I guess that I am a bit of a conundrum, I don’t want
recovery, but I also don’t want to fall as deep as I have into my demons as I
have in the past. I don’t want to eat, but I do, because I spent 6 months
having the importance of food drilled into me… I don’t want other people to
develop Eating Disorders, but I want to have razor sharp bones and lean muscle
instead of being covered in fat… My mind is ALL over the place at the moment, I guess as soon as I find my direction you
guys will know too…
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