A shock to the system

Todays Weight is 284.2

Today has been dreadful - I found out last night that one of the girls from my ED Forum passed away back in July. She was 25, so young and so full of life. We used to talk for hours about our illnesses and she hated her demons with a passion, she wished she could have lived a normal life. Now she is gone, way too soon. Another soul lost to this disgusting disease. I didn't even see the post until last night, it just isn't fair. To say that I am shocked and so upset would be an understatement.

I talked at length to another friend last night about it, both of us shedding more than our fair share of tears. I wish all of these people who wish for an eating disorder would just stop, and think about how destructive it is, how much it consumes not only the flesh and the fat, but the mind! It destroys who you are as a person and moulds you into this shell of a person. It becomes all consuming and overtakes your entire life. You wake up thinking numbers desperate to see a change in your appearance. You go about your day thinking numbers, constantly calculating what you can and can't eat or drink, thinking about what foods are safe and what isn't. You sit with friends, wondering if they notice how fat you are, wondering if they'll notice you've not eaten, and hoping they wont notice when you don't. You go home feeling scared that if you even open the fridge that will be it, it will lead to a binge, I now actively avoid the kitchen in my house, the only time I enter is to pour water or clean. Then eventually you go to bed feeling overwhelmed, you scrutinise your every action, wondering if that extra apple is going to ruin all of your hard work.

Eating Disorders are killers. They destroy lives and they kill people. The lucky ones that recover and don't have lasting health problems like being infertile, heart conditions, brittle bones, ruined teeth; still have to live with the warped mind - which is very rarely the same again after such a destructive cycle. It is hard to have a healthy relationship with food, even 2 or 3 years after you've "recovered" enough to get out of treatment. Every day is a battle.

Believe me when I say YOU DO NOT WANT AN EATING DISORDER. It is not a way to lose weight, it is a ticking time bomb, just waiting to destroy you from the inside out!

Atkins Diet

I was wondering if anyone follows a low carb diet like the Atkins Diet?

Over the last few months I have realised that I have been eating some really carb heavy foods to try and fill myself up, but I often find it really difficult to wake up in a morning (which isn't good seeing as I want to start heading to the gym at 6:30am. Also I have been very bloated. Then I bumped into someone I have not seen for years and she has lost a ton of weight following the Atkin's Diet.

In the past my daily intake has been under 800cals, usually consisting of a few table spoons of cereal with Almond Milk, an Apple and a small salad. More recently I have been eating Chips (potato fries), bread and pasta and I am definitely the biggest I have been in around 2 years - Almost back to my HW.

I never realised Carbs were sugar!!! It was only in recovery last year that I found this out, this has in turn made me realise how stupid my diet has been, sugar for breakfast (carbs), sugar for lunch (sandwich or chips with chicken) and then heading home for pasta, or salad (usually more carbs).

Now I am under no illusions, Carbs = Sugar. Sugar = addictive (more addictive than any other drug, including crack cocaine!!!). This is why I have been binging in my opinion, the more I look at it, the more I realise that my binges are always sugar/carbs!!!

I am obviously going to put a stop to that.

From this day on I am making it official - I am cutting carbs out (not completely but around 20g a day).

No Bread
No Pasta (I will either use veggies, if I can find a spiraliser for cheap or the shiritaki noodles/Konjac)
No white potatoes (this includes crisps, jacket, mash, chips/fries).
No Apples (apples have around 15g of carbs in one apple).

I have decided to do this from today and have so far found it difficult (as I was in no way prepared), but I work next to a supermarket so I have managed to find some low carb bits and bobs.

B - None
L - Chicken leg/ roasted no skin.
D - Sausage, Cauliflower Mash, Broccoli
S - cube of cheese, 8 grapes, pepperami stick.

This may still change, I have found that a lot of VLC foods (crackers, slim a soup etc) are really high in carbs, which your body then turns to sugar. Sugar is the devil lol.

I am also going to have to find some Keto Sticks to make sure that I am in Ketosis by next week, if I am not then something may have slipped by me and maybe I am getting to many carbs.

This is all new to me but I am going to try and see how it works and if it suits me... we shall soon see :)

Feeling Rundown

I am feeling so tired and run down at the moment. I cant believe how crap I feel. I am going to head up to bed now, but finally have a laptop so will put up a better post tomorrow.