Hello Darkness my old friend....

I am struggling right now. I have spent way too long in the light, over 2 whole years to be clear. But now I am once again.

Does anyone even read this blog? Or am I just rambling to myself?

Basically I am in a bad place mentally. I have been trying to follow Macros and have been eating more than I have ever allowed myself and it is killing me. I just don't know how people manage with eating so much.

As always my main problems are eating regularly, and then not binging... historically I would have made myself sick after a binge, but I haven't done that since before my daughter was born.

So blooming fed up with feeling this way now.

Need to get my brain back in gear and function properly.

All I want to do is cover myself over with a duvet and bury my head in the sand. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to wake up. But I know I have too. I have my daughter to be strong for.... I must be strong.

CW: 268.2 (-7.8lbs)

Binge/Cry repeat...

I binged last night, I was almost set to finish the day on <1000cal and then I go ahead and binge on 8 fucking shortcake biscuits that I bought last week. I don't even know why I do it. Its like I set myself up to sabotage myself.

Shopping when hungry is a curse!!!

Yesterday I had

B - Coffee w/skimmed milk and a sweetner - 10 cal
L - Mash Pot - 150cal. Chicken Katsu Bites (I should not have bought these!!!) 350cal
D - Chicken Burrito 350cal
S - Apple 80cal, 8 Shortie Biscuits (382 cal)

I have gained 1.6lbs since yesterday - the only difference was that I didn't get chance to make a BM before I went to work this morning. Sooo I am hoping for a loss tomorrow.


CW: 270.2lbs (gain of 1.6lbs)

I can't stop yawning!!

Todays Weight 283.2lbs

I almost didn't get up for work this morning, I am sooo tired! Even though I have been getting a good 8hrs of sleep a night! I have been quite strict with myself though so it kind of makes sense in a way. I am yawning non stop as I type this. I have literally no get up and go!!! It's go up and gone!

I played warcraft for a few hours last night and got soooo close to draenor flying!!! It has taken me forever to get this far, but I should have it tonight now!

Weight wise - I have found myself pretty backed up recently, I need to get some laxies I think. but I am almost 6lbs down in 9 Days so its definitely working!

I am hoping to reach 15lbs by the time October is through! Do you think I can do it.

A place to talk.

My friend has created her own forum. A place for people with EDs to talk to other sufferers. Basically for people who are not ready to recover, or those that are in recovery.

Proananet.com

Sometimes speaking to people who are going through similar issues help... It's worth a look xx

A shock to the system

Todays Weight is 284.2

Today has been dreadful - I found out last night that one of the girls from my ED Forum passed away back in July. She was 25, so young and so full of life. We used to talk for hours about our illnesses and she hated her demons with a passion, she wished she could have lived a normal life. Now she is gone, way too soon. Another soul lost to this disgusting disease. I didn't even see the post until last night, it just isn't fair. To say that I am shocked and so upset would be an understatement.

I talked at length to another friend last night about it, both of us shedding more than our fair share of tears. I wish all of these people who wish for an eating disorder would just stop, and think about how destructive it is, how much it consumes not only the flesh and the fat, but the mind! It destroys who you are as a person and moulds you into this shell of a person. It becomes all consuming and overtakes your entire life. You wake up thinking numbers desperate to see a change in your appearance. You go about your day thinking numbers, constantly calculating what you can and can't eat or drink, thinking about what foods are safe and what isn't. You sit with friends, wondering if they notice how fat you are, wondering if they'll notice you've not eaten, and hoping they wont notice when you don't. You go home feeling scared that if you even open the fridge that will be it, it will lead to a binge, I now actively avoid the kitchen in my house, the only time I enter is to pour water or clean. Then eventually you go to bed feeling overwhelmed, you scrutinise your every action, wondering if that extra apple is going to ruin all of your hard work.

Eating Disorders are killers. They destroy lives and they kill people. The lucky ones that recover and don't have lasting health problems like being infertile, heart conditions, brittle bones, ruined teeth; still have to live with the warped mind - which is very rarely the same again after such a destructive cycle. It is hard to have a healthy relationship with food, even 2 or 3 years after you've "recovered" enough to get out of treatment. Every day is a battle.

Believe me when I say YOU DO NOT WANT AN EATING DISORDER. It is not a way to lose weight, it is a ticking time bomb, just waiting to destroy you from the inside out!

I like to keep busy

Today's Weight - 288.8


Today has been a very busy long day - I love my job, and I like to be kept on my toes, and today has certainly done, that. I have weighed myself this morning as I have joined a challenge to see who can lose the most weight in October - though I have declined any prizes, as I believe my huge massive weight will give me an unfair advantage.

So its 4:09pm and I have not eaten. I have had 2 or 3 coffee's but no food. I have an apple in front of me but the sick sadistic part of myself is telling me not to eat it. It's telling me to not eat when I get home either, and to work out when I get home... So naturally I am chugging water like a bitch!

I am pretty cheesed if with how skint I am too :( I just want to go home and get in bed and not do anything... side effect of not eating = no energy...

Is it weird that I wrote a diet plan out for my best mate yesterday?? She wanted me to write her one offering between 1000 - 1300 calories a day... feel like I am aiding and abetting an eating disorder, though I eat a lot less!!!! Yesterday was a binge day and I had around 1600 cals all day.

Thin Intentions

Todays Weight 288lbs.

So today I have been pretty tough on myself, I am determined to lose 38lbs by the end of this year. Tomorrow is the first of the month, so that gives me 92 days to lose 38lbs.... to me that is possible!!! I am going to do this. It actually depresses me that I have let it get this far!!! I hate myself for it!

Breakfast - Weetabix x 2
Lunch - Chicken Tikka Skewer (x1) - basically just 4/5 cubes of chicken with tikka spices.
Dinner - Greek Chicken Salad (1/2 chicken breast, 3 x lettuce leaves, 1 tomato, 1/3 cucumber, 1 celery stick, 3 cubes of feta cheese).

I haven't allowed for any additional calories today.

Atkins Diet

I was wondering if anyone follows a low carb diet like the Atkins Diet?

Over the last few months I have realised that I have been eating some really carb heavy foods to try and fill myself up, but I often find it really difficult to wake up in a morning (which isn't good seeing as I want to start heading to the gym at 6:30am. Also I have been very bloated. Then I bumped into someone I have not seen for years and she has lost a ton of weight following the Atkin's Diet.

In the past my daily intake has been under 800cals, usually consisting of a few table spoons of cereal with Almond Milk, an Apple and a small salad. More recently I have been eating Chips (potato fries), bread and pasta and I am definitely the biggest I have been in around 2 years - Almost back to my HW.

I never realised Carbs were sugar!!! It was only in recovery last year that I found this out, this has in turn made me realise how stupid my diet has been, sugar for breakfast (carbs), sugar for lunch (sandwich or chips with chicken) and then heading home for pasta, or salad (usually more carbs).

Now I am under no illusions, Carbs = Sugar. Sugar = addictive (more addictive than any other drug, including crack cocaine!!!). This is why I have been binging in my opinion, the more I look at it, the more I realise that my binges are always sugar/carbs!!!

I am obviously going to put a stop to that.

From this day on I am making it official - I am cutting carbs out (not completely but around 20g a day).

No Bread
No Pasta (I will either use veggies, if I can find a spiraliser for cheap or the shiritaki noodles/Konjac)
No white potatoes (this includes crisps, jacket, mash, chips/fries).
No Apples (apples have around 15g of carbs in one apple).

I have decided to do this from today and have so far found it difficult (as I was in no way prepared), but I work next to a supermarket so I have managed to find some low carb bits and bobs.

B - None
L - Chicken leg/ roasted no skin.
D - Sausage, Cauliflower Mash, Broccoli
S - cube of cheese, 8 grapes, pepperami stick.

This may still change, I have found that a lot of VLC foods (crackers, slim a soup etc) are really high in carbs, which your body then turns to sugar. Sugar is the devil lol.

I am also going to have to find some Keto Sticks to make sure that I am in Ketosis by next week, if I am not then something may have slipped by me and maybe I am getting to many carbs.

This is all new to me but I am going to try and see how it works and if it suits me... we shall soon see :)

Out of Control

Hello my lovelies J
 

Today’s intake.

Breakfast: Special K (20g) with Skimmed milk (100ml) – 146cals

Lunch: Tomato and Grilled Pepper Cup a Soup – 85cals

Dinner: (not had yet but I am thinking carrot/celery sticks and some hummous)

 

Water: 2/10 glasses

 

Things have been a bit up and down for me recently, I am trying desperately to accept my body and not fall back into the deep depression I have managed to kind of pull myself out of, but I am finding it very very hard at the moment.

I am trying not to deny myself anything I want, and trying to enjoy what I am having but it is getting harder and harder. Restriction for me leads to binges, and binges lead to purging so I don’t want to fall back down that slippery slope.

I am huge though, I think I am in (BMI) Obese II at the moment, so I feel like a whale. I haven’t had a lot of money so I have been trying to eat on the cheap, but cheap food isn’t really that good for you L

Things are good at home though, apart from the fact that I am struggling with my motivation to do anything. I just want to sit and relax which isn’t helping me.  I need to kick myself up the bum and get myself back in gear.

I am going to set my alarm for 6:15 am in the morning with the intention of getting my arse out of bed and going to the gym to get some early morning cardio in…. How can I force myself to do it?

Feeling a bit unsure.

So. Ive been absent for a while again while I worked on trying to accept myself. Everything seemed to be going well for quite a while... But things always take a turn and make me feel like shit.

Ive made friends at work. Two people on particular I was close to, I had a Week off on leave for my birthday and when I came back they're being "different" with me. 

I've always kept their confidence and been there for them, and now the connection just isn't there anymore. It's bringing me down a bit.

I'm trying to have the mindset of, other people don't validate your happiness, you need to be happy with yourself first.

But this is really bothering me.

It's making me feel a bit shitty if I'm honest.

Anna xx

I've fallen down the rabbit hole...

I am feeling quite high today, Im in a good mood, I feel like I am in a good place, BUT.

I've started fasting/restricting again. It was inevitable, it was always going to happen again.

SW: 1st June,  288.8lbs

4th June 284lbs.

I had a fast day yesterday. I limited myself to 151cals throughout the whole day. Today I will mainly be eating fruit. (I have an apple a Satsuma and a Banana with me). So I should manage a sub 200 day today again.

Update - June 1st 2015

My oh My!!! ITs been months since I last posted on here - life just flies by doesn't it, and we are just here to enjoy the ride (or not enjoy it)...

Since I last updated here I have officially regained all of my weight I had lost. I am 4lbs off my HW and not very happy about it. I am now starting again fresh - I have had my fun (binging on whatever I wanted) and now I am here to stay... here to lose weight.

I am starting a June challenge. I have set myself a target of not binging outside of my meal and snack times, and I also want to lose 8.8lbs. This will bring me back to 280...

I have has a meal plan devised by a Personal Trainer and I am hoping that if I follow it I will be able to stop the late night snacking on shit, anyway - I'm going to update you all now. If anyone would like to view this diet plan then let me know and I will upload it.

Work
Things with work are going really well, I am getting more and more confident and I have made some friends that I am hoping I will keep for a long time. I get the impression its a bit one sided with some people, like I will go out of my way for them, but they don't do the same for me. The company I am working for lost some major contracts so it looks like we will be transferred to a new employer at some point towards the end of this year or beginning of next, so we will just see from there.

Home
Things at home are good, My OH (Other Half) and I are in a really good place, we are in looove :) and I love being in Love with him!! We almost split over Christmas but that has all changed now and we are in a really good place which I am happy about. My dogs are both good, though my bitch is in heat at the moment, we are going to have to get her spayed at some point soon as she keeps having Phantom Pregnancies. Some douche bag drove into my car last week too so I need to get it repaired this week.

Health
I am not quite sure how I am, my anxiety has been worse over the last few months than it has been in a while, but I am coping with it. I had an abnormal smear test last year, so I am having to have further testing done on that. I am also being tested for PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) which I am not to thrilled about, but who knows, it would explain a lot, but I am not there yet.

ED
Eating Disorder wise I have been stuck in a binge cycle for around 4 months. I am hoping to follow the meal plan that my PT has written for me for the next 3/4 weeks and I am hoping it will kick start my weight-loss so that I can get back on track again, as I am really not happy at the moment.

Things are changing...

Hello my lovelies!!!

So since I last posted I have joined the gym. I've been eating clean and I have lost 7lbs in 7days :-)

I've been having my overnight oats with flaxseed for breakfast.

Rice cakes with whole earth peanut butter for lunch..

Chicken/steak with veggies or salad for tea.

In between I've been snacking on grapes and celery sticks/carrots.

I'm so happy and I'm so on track. I had a horrendous binge period that lasted about two weeks and I gained 7lb. I've lost that this week alone. looking forward to getting thinner and leaner :-)

I have been struggling with my anxiety tells. Skin picking etc. but I'm hoping a clean diet will help me improve on this xx but on a more personal note my b/f and I are working things out :-)

Speak soon ladies.

Sluggish

Sluggish

1.    slow-moving or inactive.

2.    lacking energy or alertness.

This is precisely how I feel today. In fact I have been feeling like this for over a week now. Tired, lethargic and rundown are also words I would use to describe how I feel.

I had a night out a few weeks ago, during the course of the evening I ended up being grabbed by another woman and I think this has caused damage to the lower part of my back. It aches constantly – I’d put the pain at about a 4/5 but it never stops, even when I am sat down/resting it’s just constantly there. Every now and then I get these jolts of pain, I’d say these are a 7/8 and it feels like the flabby a part of skin on my hips (love handles) is being torn or burnt with a flame, these take my breath away and often make me gasp or cry out in pain. The Dr thought it could be Kidney stones, but alas, I am now assured it isn’t. But that doesn’t help with the pain I am feeling.

My boyfriend of 6 years was due to move out last week after lengthy discussions on what we want out of life, he decided he wanted to fight for our relationship, so has decided to stay in the house with me so that’s a huge weight off. But lately I have found myself binging. It feels like I have a black hole in my chest/stomach and I can just eat and eat. I don’t feel full I literally just eat, find something else and then something else. The reason I am mentioning this is because I haven’t purged in well over 9 months, and I am scared I am going to start again.

I feel at a loss at the moment, like I am just surviving but not living, which makes me sad. I have so much I want to do in life but I don’t have the funds or the motivation to do it. At the same time, I know no-one else will do it for me, so I’m just coasting through life in neutral and it’s all my own fault.

The things I want out of life are: -

• To be thin – to lose weight and be happier in myself.
• To do some A Levels – I really want to apply my brain and further my education, I want to study Biology, Chemistry and Physics at A Level. However for an Adult in employment like myself, my only options are to study from home, and each A Level costs around £330. I don’t have enough money to do them.
• To decorate my house – This also costs money that I don’t have at the moment.
• To do a military fitness army style assault course – I’d need to get fit and it costs money to enter.
• To be a mum – I want to have children, however I am not sure my boyfriend does.

They seem really attainable, but they aren’t to me. I am stuck in this routine of getting paid, bills going out and then struggling through for the rest of the month, I don’t see any way out of this repetitive cycle.

So I am just meh, coasting, sluggish, lethargic. Am I worthy of any of the above?

Sorry I have been away!!!

I have been away for a week or so, so apologies for not updating. I found it really hard to stay motivated while I was away because of the amount of time I was spending on my own. I was away for the best part of two weeks on a residential training course. I gained around 4lbs in that time, which is the worst part about my time away, having to eat out every night or buy convenience food. Ick.

Anyway, I am back on track and attempting to get back to 272. Im hoping I can be there by Sunday.

I am still loving my job and the people I work with, minus a few trouble causers, but that can’t be helped. You get trouble causers everywhere.

I have been looking at prices for Gym memberships as I am looking forward to getting back at the gym. I am also going to dedicate half an hour a night to sit ups/press ups, squats and lunges (with a kettlebell), see if I can change my shape and conditioning a bit in the mean time. I have been taking progress pics, but I am still to ashamed to share them.

This morning I weighed in at 274.4lbs, my next GW is 260… I hope to make I there early in the new year if not sooner.  I am also taking a bit of extra time to look after myself, do my nails and my hair. My anxiety is well managed at the moment so although I am having the odd blip I am doing good! I am struggling a bit with my relationship. Feeling very underappreciated. We keep arguing about silly things, well its not so much an argument as me getting blamed for stuff. I have got the point where I am beginning to lose faith now. This time last year I’d have just taken the verbal battering, but now I know I don’t deserve it so I am sticking up for myself. It is still very painful. But I wouldn’t take that kind of shit off anyone else. So yeah. I am thinking more about ME now. Which is something I have never done before.

Updates as always will be as and when I get chance. If you know any good workouts for core strength let me know, as I am trying to tone my flubber at the moment.

Health scare...

I feel shocking today. I had my results through from the Dr’s that my smear test is abnormal. So now I have had a biopsy and I am going to have to wait a further 4-6weeks to see if the changes indicate cancer. Since I had the biopsy I have been eating more than I do normally. It is more the stuff that I wouldn’t normally eat, like chips, sweets and chocolate bars.

That being said, because of that I haven’t actually weighed in this morning, I feel fatter than normal, and more bloated, the specialist has told me that it is normal to feel this way, and that it could last for a couple of weeks. I am due on my period anyway, so that’s going to be fun this month as it may be heavier.

I am trying to be more positive still. I am trying to be a bit more “self loving” too, so doing things like moisturising and painting my nails etc… Though I have been a bit slack on this of late; I have not been showing myself “enough” kindness, just the bare minimum. In the spirit of looking after myself I had some rice crispies for breakfast and a lunch meal from the shop for lunch. Now I feel so bloated and sick :X

I just don’t think I can cope with a normal eating pattern. Not after living the way I have for so long… I have been reading up about diets for different Zodiac signs, I have always believed in horoscopes as mine seem to be extremely dead on. I am a Cancer, I was born on the cusp of Gemini… check this quote out…. Tension, anxiety, and emotional stress are the leading causes of illness among Cancerians.

I suffer with anxiety, depression and my weight is high due to emotional eating…

Weigh in

On sunday I weighed in at 274.6lbs, the lowest I have been since well over a year ago. Unfortunately I have had a health scare which resulted in me binging yesterday and I am up 3lbs this morning, but, I will get it off by the weekend I hope. I have been looking at a food blog http://www.eat-yourself-skinny.com/ and I have to admit I am very excited about trying some of the recipes.

I watched Starving in Surburbia on Sunday morning and I have to say I am not sure what the fuss was about... It doesn't really give a true reflection of some pro ana sites. I know that some of these sites are really bad, and they show the worst side of pro ana. It made me wonder whether people really understand the difference between pro ana and pro anorexia.

Pro Ana - Is a community of sufferers that DO NOT wish to recover at this point in their life. In these communities people share their concerns plans and daily gripes with a community of people who suffer with an ED. They do not give tips or tricks, they do not encourage Eating Disorders and in my experience they would never "teach" someone to develop an ED as they see ED's as a psychological illness and not a "diet".

Pro Anorexia - Is a community of people who worship ana. They share tips/tricks to help each other become "better" at hiding their ED's and they also allow people who do not have ED's to join.

I think it is difficult to separate the two as they are so close. But in my opinion pro ana sites are there as away of getting support from people who have similar issues, and again in my experience they offer information on Recovery and Support. Pro anorexia sites do not.

I would say that I am pro ana (not pro anorexia), but the media have labelled the pro ana community as the worst of the worst. I am aware that my disorder is a psychological disease. I am aware that my ideal bodyweight is low, and by other means unattainable. But I am not ready to recover at the moment, as sad as it sounds, I don't feel sick... I don't feel ill enough or thin enough to need to recover.

I am not sure if this makes sense but over the years I have met some people I will consider to be lifelong friends via pro ana sites. But I would never give tips or tricks to people. Its sick and wrong.

How does this work??

I am really quite distressed today. Ive been restricting properly for well over a week and my weight is still not shifting. This isn’t like me at all. My body is broken!! I am not taking any supplements, just Aquaban and Adios Max. So there are no hidden calories there. I had a bit of a binge on cookies last night, but that can’t account for 1.6lbs…!!!! What is going on with my body…. I set myself a target of losing 18lbs by January 1^st, that is easily attainable for me, as I am at a higher weight. But this is a joke. I cant even get below 275lbs… what the hell?

This is starting to really bother me, I don’t like being fat, I don’t want to be fat. I am eating most days around 700cals and I am GAINING weight?? How is that even possible?

I give up trying to understand my body. Genuinely!!

At the moment I feel trapped inside my own body. Like I can’t breathe or concentrate on anything else… I hate feeling this way!!

 

I need a cig!!

Weight Loss Equivilants...

I love these, they help you visualise a little more, just how much weight you've lost.

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

Just a little....

I have finally lost some weight!!! 1lb.

One freaking pound. I am so fed up with this. It’s obvious how much I have messed my metabolism up over the years with my constant yo-yo dieting. In 4 weeks last year I lost almost 15lbs, now I am struggling to get 2 or 3 in a week. Anyway. I am still feeling a bit funny in the tummy area, a bit nauseous and as though my insides are bruised, so I am still consuming only liquids. Soup for lunch and a chunkier soup for my tea. My dreams are not so bad at the moment so my change in meds must be working.

I have some time off coming up too, I have managed to work it in line with the release of Warlords of Draenor so I will be at level 100 in no time.

I love this Weight Loss Equivelant gguide I have found, I will post it into a blog on its own. I have had it time and time again in the past and it really helps me visualise things… J

Enjoy and I’ll give a better update once I feel a bit better.

A