I can't stop yawning!!

Todays Weight 283.2lbs

I almost didn't get up for work this morning, I am sooo tired! Even though I have been getting a good 8hrs of sleep a night! I have been quite strict with myself though so it kind of makes sense in a way. I am yawning non stop as I type this. I have literally no get up and go!!! It's go up and gone!

I played warcraft for a few hours last night and got soooo close to draenor flying!!! It has taken me forever to get this far, but I should have it tonight now!

Weight wise - I have found myself pretty backed up recently, I need to get some laxies I think. but I am almost 6lbs down in 9 Days so its definitely working!

I am hoping to reach 15lbs by the time October is through! Do you think I can do it.

A place to talk.

My friend has created her own forum. A place for people with EDs to talk to other sufferers. Basically for people who are not ready to recover, or those that are in recovery.

Proananet.com

Sometimes speaking to people who are going through similar issues help... It's worth a look xx

A shock to the system

Todays Weight is 284.2

Today has been dreadful - I found out last night that one of the girls from my ED Forum passed away back in July. She was 25, so young and so full of life. We used to talk for hours about our illnesses and she hated her demons with a passion, she wished she could have lived a normal life. Now she is gone, way too soon. Another soul lost to this disgusting disease. I didn't even see the post until last night, it just isn't fair. To say that I am shocked and so upset would be an understatement.

I talked at length to another friend last night about it, both of us shedding more than our fair share of tears. I wish all of these people who wish for an eating disorder would just stop, and think about how destructive it is, how much it consumes not only the flesh and the fat, but the mind! It destroys who you are as a person and moulds you into this shell of a person. It becomes all consuming and overtakes your entire life. You wake up thinking numbers desperate to see a change in your appearance. You go about your day thinking numbers, constantly calculating what you can and can't eat or drink, thinking about what foods are safe and what isn't. You sit with friends, wondering if they notice how fat you are, wondering if they'll notice you've not eaten, and hoping they wont notice when you don't. You go home feeling scared that if you even open the fridge that will be it, it will lead to a binge, I now actively avoid the kitchen in my house, the only time I enter is to pour water or clean. Then eventually you go to bed feeling overwhelmed, you scrutinise your every action, wondering if that extra apple is going to ruin all of your hard work.

Eating Disorders are killers. They destroy lives and they kill people. The lucky ones that recover and don't have lasting health problems like being infertile, heart conditions, brittle bones, ruined teeth; still have to live with the warped mind - which is very rarely the same again after such a destructive cycle. It is hard to have a healthy relationship with food, even 2 or 3 years after you've "recovered" enough to get out of treatment. Every day is a battle.

Believe me when I say YOU DO NOT WANT AN EATING DISORDER. It is not a way to lose weight, it is a ticking time bomb, just waiting to destroy you from the inside out!

I like to keep busy

Today's Weight - 288.8


Today has been a very busy long day - I love my job, and I like to be kept on my toes, and today has certainly done, that. I have weighed myself this morning as I have joined a challenge to see who can lose the most weight in October - though I have declined any prizes, as I believe my huge massive weight will give me an unfair advantage.

So its 4:09pm and I have not eaten. I have had 2 or 3 coffee's but no food. I have an apple in front of me but the sick sadistic part of myself is telling me not to eat it. It's telling me to not eat when I get home either, and to work out when I get home... So naturally I am chugging water like a bitch!

I am pretty cheesed if with how skint I am too :( I just want to go home and get in bed and not do anything... side effect of not eating = no energy...

Is it weird that I wrote a diet plan out for my best mate yesterday?? She wanted me to write her one offering between 1000 - 1300 calories a day... feel like I am aiding and abetting an eating disorder, though I eat a lot less!!!! Yesterday was a binge day and I had around 1600 cals all day.

Thin Intentions

Todays Weight 288lbs.

So today I have been pretty tough on myself, I am determined to lose 38lbs by the end of this year. Tomorrow is the first of the month, so that gives me 92 days to lose 38lbs.... to me that is possible!!! I am going to do this. It actually depresses me that I have let it get this far!!! I hate myself for it!

Breakfast - Weetabix x 2
Lunch - Chicken Tikka Skewer (x1) - basically just 4/5 cubes of chicken with tikka spices.
Dinner - Greek Chicken Salad (1/2 chicken breast, 3 x lettuce leaves, 1 tomato, 1/3 cucumber, 1 celery stick, 3 cubes of feta cheese).

I haven't allowed for any additional calories today.

I am back from Europe

Hello my lovely readers

I am finally back to give you all an update.

I have been in Europe for a little while and unable to access my blog as I have been having too much fun, that fun was completely destroyed when I returned home from my holiday (in which I swam most days, ate cautiously and hardly snacked) to find I have gained 4lbs!!!!

I'm so angry with myself :(

I have been struggling to keep a handle on my anxiety - I had a few anxiety attacks while there, I am just fed up with myself. I am sure I will get back on track, but until I do I am going to restrict and eat mindfully.

Peace out!

Atkins Diet

I was wondering if anyone follows a low carb diet like the Atkins Diet?

Over the last few months I have realised that I have been eating some really carb heavy foods to try and fill myself up, but I often find it really difficult to wake up in a morning (which isn't good seeing as I want to start heading to the gym at 6:30am. Also I have been very bloated. Then I bumped into someone I have not seen for years and she has lost a ton of weight following the Atkin's Diet.

In the past my daily intake has been under 800cals, usually consisting of a few table spoons of cereal with Almond Milk, an Apple and a small salad. More recently I have been eating Chips (potato fries), bread and pasta and I am definitely the biggest I have been in around 2 years - Almost back to my HW.

I never realised Carbs were sugar!!! It was only in recovery last year that I found this out, this has in turn made me realise how stupid my diet has been, sugar for breakfast (carbs), sugar for lunch (sandwich or chips with chicken) and then heading home for pasta, or salad (usually more carbs).

Now I am under no illusions, Carbs = Sugar. Sugar = addictive (more addictive than any other drug, including crack cocaine!!!). This is why I have been binging in my opinion, the more I look at it, the more I realise that my binges are always sugar/carbs!!!

I am obviously going to put a stop to that.

From this day on I am making it official - I am cutting carbs out (not completely but around 20g a day).

No Bread
No Pasta (I will either use veggies, if I can find a spiraliser for cheap or the shiritaki noodles/Konjac)
No white potatoes (this includes crisps, jacket, mash, chips/fries).
No Apples (apples have around 15g of carbs in one apple).

I have decided to do this from today and have so far found it difficult (as I was in no way prepared), but I work next to a supermarket so I have managed to find some low carb bits and bobs.

B - None
L - Chicken leg/ roasted no skin.
D - Sausage, Cauliflower Mash, Broccoli
S - cube of cheese, 8 grapes, pepperami stick.

This may still change, I have found that a lot of VLC foods (crackers, slim a soup etc) are really high in carbs, which your body then turns to sugar. Sugar is the devil lol.

I am also going to have to find some Keto Sticks to make sure that I am in Ketosis by next week, if I am not then something may have slipped by me and maybe I am getting to many carbs.

This is all new to me but I am going to try and see how it works and if it suits me... we shall soon see :)

It's late but here goes :)

So Hello my lovely readers, or non readers who've accidentally found my page.

Ive been a little quiet of late, trying to concentrate on my job and my relationship; it would seem this hardwork has paid of!! I'm really enjoying my job, I'm trying to not let silly things get to me due to my tendency to overthink things.

So what's new with me, not much. Ive taken on a second job to try and save for holidays.   really enjoying keeping busy.

I also have two other announcements to make. These are mainly thoughts at the moment, but here goes.

I'm 90% sure that I want to become a vegetarian again. I'm not 100% yet. But I'm just so anti animal cruelty - and these days I don't think I can trust that animals are being slaughtered humanely. I'd rather have the happy smiling faces of the world's animals around for generations to come than eat them.

Also. Ive been setting my alarm early to go to the gym in a morning, so far I've not been for a while, so I'm going to start going. My gym days to start are Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning, then I was thinking of looking into classes on a Tuesday and a Thursday.

I won't be going tomorrow though. I have a lot to prepare for a Dr's appointment, I'm 99% sure I have Hyperhidrosis. It's were for some reason the sweat glands are over active. My problem affects my face, literally pours off me when I'm nervous or anxious. I don't even need to be warm. But thr heat of late has made it much worse.

So. Is that a decent update?  Any questions? Requests?

Anna xx

Feeling Rundown

I am feeling so tired and run down at the moment. I cant believe how crap I feel. I am going to head up to bed now, but finally have a laptop so will put up a better post tomorrow.

Out of Control

Hello my lovelies J
 

Today’s intake.

Breakfast: Special K (20g) with Skimmed milk (100ml) – 146cals

Lunch: Tomato and Grilled Pepper Cup a Soup – 85cals

Dinner: (not had yet but I am thinking carrot/celery sticks and some hummous)

 

Water: 2/10 glasses

 

Things have been a bit up and down for me recently, I am trying desperately to accept my body and not fall back into the deep depression I have managed to kind of pull myself out of, but I am finding it very very hard at the moment.

I am trying not to deny myself anything I want, and trying to enjoy what I am having but it is getting harder and harder. Restriction for me leads to binges, and binges lead to purging so I don’t want to fall back down that slippery slope.

I am huge though, I think I am in (BMI) Obese II at the moment, so I feel like a whale. I haven’t had a lot of money so I have been trying to eat on the cheap, but cheap food isn’t really that good for you L

Things are good at home though, apart from the fact that I am struggling with my motivation to do anything. I just want to sit and relax which isn’t helping me.  I need to kick myself up the bum and get myself back in gear.

I am going to set my alarm for 6:15 am in the morning with the intention of getting my arse out of bed and going to the gym to get some early morning cardio in…. How can I force myself to do it?