Sluggish
1.
slow-moving or
inactive.
2.
lacking energy or
alertness.
This is precisely how I feel today. In fact I have been feeling like
this for over a week now. Tired, lethargic and rundown are also words I would
use to describe how I feel.
I had a night out a few weeks ago, during the course of the evening I
ended up being grabbed by another woman and I think this has caused damage to
the lower part of my back. It aches constantly – I’d put the pain at about a
4/5 but it never stops, even when I am sat down/resting it’s just constantly
there. Every now and then I get these jolts of pain, I’d say these are a 7/8
and it feels like the flabby a part of skin on my hips (love handles) is being
torn or burnt with a flame, these take my breath away and often make me gasp or
cry out in pain. The Dr thought it could be Kidney stones, but alas, I am now
assured it isn’t. But that doesn’t help with the pain I am feeling.
My boyfriend of 6 years was due to move out last week after lengthy discussions
on what we want out of life, he decided he wanted to fight for our relationship,
so has decided to stay in the house with me so that’s a huge weight off. But
lately I have found myself binging. It feels like I have a black hole in my
chest/stomach and I can just eat and eat. I don’t feel full I literally just
eat, find something else and then something else. The reason I am mentioning
this is because I haven’t purged in well over 9 months, and I am scared I am
going to start again.
I feel at a loss at the moment, like I am just surviving but not living,
which makes me sad. I have so much I want to do in life but I don’t have the
funds or the motivation to do it. At the same time, I know no-one else will do
it for me, so I’m just coasting through life in neutral and it’s all my own
fault.
The things I want out of life are: -
-
To be thin – to lose weight and be happier in myself.
-
To do some A Levels – I really want to apply my brain and further my
education, I want to study Biology, Chemistry and Physics at A Level. However
for an Adult in employment like myself, my only options are to study from home,
and each A Level costs around £330. I don’t have enough money to do them.
-
To decorate my house – This also costs money that I don’t have at the
moment.
-
To do a military fitness army style assault course – I’d need to get fit
and it costs money to enter.
-
To be a mum – I want to have children, however I am not sure my
boyfriend does.
They seem really attainable, but they aren’t to me. I am stuck in this
routine of getting paid, bills going out and then struggling through for the
rest of the month, I don’t see any way out of this repetitive cycle.
So I am just meh, coasting, sluggish, lethargic. Am I worthy of any of
the above?
