Food for the day

B: 100g Skinny Latte Yoghurt (50cals), Skinmed milk coffee (5cals)

L: Mash Pot (150cals) Milky Way (96cals), Diet Coke

D: chicken wraps with salad (363cals)

Snack: Apple (50cals)

1ltr water

Relapse

CW: 268

GW1: 250

UGW: 110

I feel torn...

I am literally fighting myself now! I need to lose weight, I want to restrict and feel the pounds melt away, but I'm breastfeeding, if I don't eat I can't feed my daughter. I need to keep reminding myself that she is most important. Who am I kidding, I don't even need to remind myself, she is most important full stop! 

I can wait to lose the weight again... I'm back at my pre pregnancy bloated fatness! So that's a plus.

In case you're wondering

So. Ive been away a long while...

There is a huge reason for that.... A huge reason.

I'm pregnant. 34weeks. Due in just under 40 days!

I've really made a huge effort to recover and be better for my daughter. I needed to make sure I was healthy for her to be.

I've gained weight, I'm not worried about it, and I'm confident that I'll be able to make positive changes when she's here.

So until we meet again...

I can't stop yawning!!

Todays Weight 283.2lbs

I almost didn't get up for work this morning, I am sooo tired! Even though I have been getting a good 8hrs of sleep a night! I have been quite strict with myself though so it kind of makes sense in a way. I am yawning non stop as I type this. I have literally no get up and go!!! It's go up and gone!

I played warcraft for a few hours last night and got soooo close to draenor flying!!! It has taken me forever to get this far, but I should have it tonight now!

Weight wise - I have found myself pretty backed up recently, I need to get some laxies I think. but I am almost 6lbs down in 9 Days so its definitely working!

I am hoping to reach 15lbs by the time October is through! Do you think I can do it.

A place to talk.

My friend has created her own forum. A place for people with EDs to talk to other sufferers. Basically for people who are not ready to recover, or those that are in recovery.

Proananet.com

Sometimes speaking to people who are going through similar issues help... It's worth a look xx

A shock to the system

Todays Weight is 284.2

Today has been dreadful - I found out last night that one of the girls from my ED Forum passed away back in July. She was 25, so young and so full of life. We used to talk for hours about our illnesses and she hated her demons with a passion, she wished she could have lived a normal life. Now she is gone, way too soon. Another soul lost to this disgusting disease. I didn't even see the post until last night, it just isn't fair. To say that I am shocked and so upset would be an understatement.

I talked at length to another friend last night about it, both of us shedding more than our fair share of tears. I wish all of these people who wish for an eating disorder would just stop, and think about how destructive it is, how much it consumes not only the flesh and the fat, but the mind! It destroys who you are as a person and moulds you into this shell of a person. It becomes all consuming and overtakes your entire life. You wake up thinking numbers desperate to see a change in your appearance. You go about your day thinking numbers, constantly calculating what you can and can't eat or drink, thinking about what foods are safe and what isn't. You sit with friends, wondering if they notice how fat you are, wondering if they'll notice you've not eaten, and hoping they wont notice when you don't. You go home feeling scared that if you even open the fridge that will be it, it will lead to a binge, I now actively avoid the kitchen in my house, the only time I enter is to pour water or clean. Then eventually you go to bed feeling overwhelmed, you scrutinise your every action, wondering if that extra apple is going to ruin all of your hard work.

Eating Disorders are killers. They destroy lives and they kill people. The lucky ones that recover and don't have lasting health problems like being infertile, heart conditions, brittle bones, ruined teeth; still have to live with the warped mind - which is very rarely the same again after such a destructive cycle. It is hard to have a healthy relationship with food, even 2 or 3 years after you've "recovered" enough to get out of treatment. Every day is a battle.

Believe me when I say YOU DO NOT WANT AN EATING DISORDER. It is not a way to lose weight, it is a ticking time bomb, just waiting to destroy you from the inside out!

I like to keep busy

Today's Weight - 288.8


Today has been a very busy long day - I love my job, and I like to be kept on my toes, and today has certainly done, that. I have weighed myself this morning as I have joined a challenge to see who can lose the most weight in October - though I have declined any prizes, as I believe my huge massive weight will give me an unfair advantage.

So its 4:09pm and I have not eaten. I have had 2 or 3 coffee's but no food. I have an apple in front of me but the sick sadistic part of myself is telling me not to eat it. It's telling me to not eat when I get home either, and to work out when I get home... So naturally I am chugging water like a bitch!

I am pretty cheesed if with how skint I am too :( I just want to go home and get in bed and not do anything... side effect of not eating = no energy...

Is it weird that I wrote a diet plan out for my best mate yesterday?? She wanted me to write her one offering between 1000 - 1300 calories a day... feel like I am aiding and abetting an eating disorder, though I eat a lot less!!!! Yesterday was a binge day and I had around 1600 cals all day.

Thin Intentions

Todays Weight 288lbs.

So today I have been pretty tough on myself, I am determined to lose 38lbs by the end of this year. Tomorrow is the first of the month, so that gives me 92 days to lose 38lbs.... to me that is possible!!! I am going to do this. It actually depresses me that I have let it get this far!!! I hate myself for it!

Breakfast - Weetabix x 2
Lunch - Chicken Tikka Skewer (x1) - basically just 4/5 cubes of chicken with tikka spices.
Dinner - Greek Chicken Salad (1/2 chicken breast, 3 x lettuce leaves, 1 tomato, 1/3 cucumber, 1 celery stick, 3 cubes of feta cheese).

I haven't allowed for any additional calories today.

I am back from Europe

Hello my lovely readers

I am finally back to give you all an update.

I have been in Europe for a little while and unable to access my blog as I have been having too much fun, that fun was completely destroyed when I returned home from my holiday (in which I swam most days, ate cautiously and hardly snacked) to find I have gained 4lbs!!!!

I'm so angry with myself :(

I have been struggling to keep a handle on my anxiety - I had a few anxiety attacks while there, I am just fed up with myself. I am sure I will get back on track, but until I do I am going to restrict and eat mindfully.

Peace out!