moving on

So. I need a place to live. I'm not willing to live my life just cruising by being walked over by others any more. 

I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it is okay to be treated like a doormat, I want her to grow up knowing her worth and not settling for anything less than she deserves. 

The best way I can do that is to lead by example. 

changes

I'm going through a pretty hard time right now. Fighting with my inner self over feelings of worthlessness and general being down. 

I'm doubting my ability to do things. 

But I'm not willing to just lie back and go through life anymore. I want more for me and my baby. I need more. 

Update

234.9

I'm 9.9lbs from my next GW.

I'm going through a lot right now, but I feel so much stronger in myself. I have to do this for my child and me

Weigh in

So this week (the last 7 days) saw me go from

255lbs to 248.4lbs, a total loss of 6.6lbs.

I have achieved this by working out 3 times (Arms Day, Core Day and Leg Day) and trying to increase my walking.

I have restricted to a 900 - 1000 cal deficit over my BMR everyday.

Your BMR / TDEE is the total amount of energy it takes for your body to function each day. So if my intake was suggested as 1650 on my BMR based on my height/weight and activity level, after I have completed that activity, I need to try and "Eat" the calories burned through exercise back, lets be honest, thats never going to happen.

It suggests in some cases I should be eating 2500+ calories a day,

I am managing between 900 and 1500, intake per day depending on my level of activity, my average deficit is around 900 cals under the suggested on My Net Diary. 

GOAL ACHIEVED

So this morning I hit GW 4

250lbs

I have broken my GW's into smaller chunks to make it easier to achieve them seeing as though I have so much to lose.

I am going to reward myself in a different way though, instead of rewarding myself with Treats for me.

I am going to reward my family with activities and days out.

Good Day

Having a ball at the moment - absolutely loving life, which is mainly down to that high you get when you're succeeding in restricting and also the pain meds have kicked in.

Weight 252.
(-2.8lbs)
Happy days.

At least its going the right way, I have managed 2/3 days to the gym this week, my muscles ache but I like it.

I have been mainly struggling recently with binging on a night, hopefully I can snap out of that, the little victories I have had the last few nights, have been that I have not binged :) WTF. I have eaten small measured portions of the things I would usually binge on ( candy / chocolate and pastries). I am proud of that, I am going to start posting my binges on my blog and PAO.

How is everyone, I am feeling strong and powerful right now. Though that will change when I am sat on my own tonight, I am sure I will soon resort to my usually afraid and down state. 

Mood...

CW: 254.2

So my current mood is meh! I legit feel so run down and tired and I have no energy or motivation. This sucks.

I keep saying I need to get back on track - when what I really need is to stop saying that. What I need to do, is stop saying that I need to do things.

My ideas for motivation:
Reading Blogs
Reading Books
Playing with my Daughter
Researching Diet Plans
Researching Workout Plans
Working out at the gym.
Working out at home.
Self Care.

Does any one have any suggestions for the above of things that they think will help me get my head together?

Goals

It has been a while since we last spoke - I am still here... in limbo... 

Good days and bad - the usual. 

CW: 254lbs. 

I spent around 3/4 months off the gym, just lolling around and not losing weight. Stuck in another binge/restrict cycle. 

That ended around 4 weeks ago. 

Over those three/four months I didnt gain more than 4lbs. But I'd finally got under 250lbs so I am sad that I am back over. 

Even though I didn't lose weight, I felt my body changing, I lost inches from my Thighs/Hips and Waist. 

New goals. 

• Under 250lbs by Monday 13th May 2019.
• Around 225lbs by 31st July 2019
• Track every day on MyNetDiary. 
• Update journal. 

August 20th

CW: 260

So I'm feeling pretty low today. I've been doing really well and I've hit 260, but I am just kind of hovering here now.

I keep binging, which is exactly what has got me in this mess to start with. I have some vacation days coming up. So hopefully I'll find it easy enough to avoid food, though usually it's the opposite and I struggle more.

I want to get a lot of activity in these next few weeks and do some firsts with my daughter.

Maybe even take her swimming, if I can cope with a costume.

August 3rd

Today... was a punishment. I gained 0.2 so I pushed myself for an hour this morning. I burned 833 calories. Almost threw up afterwards.

But it feels good to see subtle changes in my meatsuit. 

Lines of definition here, and solid muscles there. I ache. But I’ll remember all weekend why I ache. 

Because I can do better!

August 2nd

So far I have lost 44.2lbs

I lost 2.8 overnight.

I bet I gain tomorrow. I’m almost certain I will... if I do then I’m going to train even harder and lift heavier weights. The pain will remind me for days to come what an idiot I am!

This is what runs through my head every day. I go to bed scared of what the next day will bring. 

I miss the anaregzig blog. I wanted to read it for comfort and it’s been removed. It’s made me really sad. 

I feel that heavy feeling, like something bad is going to happen, but I know I’m just stressing. 

So tired. Night all... 

Into the Void

It can be quite easy to fall back into old ways if you don’t watch yourself... I can feel old habits returning and I sense the change in my mind... I can feel it inside. 

I’ve lost 3.4lbs this week. 

I’ve been trying to avoid binge food and just eat healt hily but I know I have limits. 

I’m not the kind of person who can sit next to a share size bar of chocolate and not eat it all... I never will be. 

It’s like I have three people in my head. The anorexic who wants to starve and cries every time I eat. The bulimic who wants to binge on as much food as possible and relishes in the guilt I feel afterwards. That’s two... 

The other person is me... the person who doesn’t want to feel either of the above. I just want to be able to eat without being out of control. I want to feel comfortable eating foods I enjoy without feeling such guilt and devastation afterwards.... 

It’s a vicious circle. 

• I hate the way I look.
  
• I look the way I do because I overeat and I don’t look after myself. 
• I restrict my food intake to punish myself for being a heifer.
• I feel good when I restrict.
• I slip and binge.
• I undo all of my hard work and feel guilty for binging.
• I feel like a failure for not being strong enough to abstain, so I binge some more. 
• I take my mood out (I am angry with myself for being such a failure) on the people I care about. 
• Then the cycle just repeats. 

This is the way my life goes. I just go around and round in circles of the above cycle. 

I am 263.2 today. I want to be under 260 this time next week. 

binge number 1

So after days of behaving and staying in control of my urges to binge... last night I fell off the wagon. I think all in all I ate around 2000 calories worth of food yesterday but it feels like more... I wanna say 3000 to be on the safe side, but there is no way I ate that much.

Just found out the forum I used to mod/admin has been resurrected! I genuinely can’t wait to see how it does. I have missed my community there.

I need to measure. I’ll measure today: then gym again tomorrow. I’m thinking of getting there even earlier.

29th June

So tomorrow is d day! 

Tomorrow I will actually calculate my losses and measurements so far... would anyone like to see my meals/gym info. 

I’d be more than happy to collect together what I’ve eaten and also my gym/workouts...

I’m good though x

Hello Darkness my old friend....

I am struggling right now. I have spent way too long in the light, over 2 whole years to be clear. But now I am once again.

Does anyone even read this blog? Or am I just rambling to myself?

Basically I am in a bad place mentally. I have been trying to follow Macros and have been eating more than I have ever allowed myself and it is killing me. I just don't know how people manage with eating so much.

As always my main problems are eating regularly, and then not binging... historically I would have made myself sick after a binge, but I haven't done that since before my daughter was born.

So blooming fed up with feeling this way now.

Need to get my brain back in gear and function properly.

All I want to do is cover myself over with a duvet and bury my head in the sand. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to wake up. But I know I have too. I have my daughter to be strong for.... I must be strong.

CW: 268.2 (-7.8lbs)

As always

I'm a fucking failure. 10lb gain. 

276lbs

I am a mess!!!

Day2

Says it all really this pic...

My own laziness! Ruined a perfectly good day. I had Patty and Chips with mushy peas (from the chippy). I ate only half of the chips, but the carb fest set me craving sweets all night... the result is a 1.8lb gain!!!

Day 1 of the rest of my life

So I decided to journal again. I haven't done it in ages but I can't lose if I don't track what I am eating and my thoughts... Here is Day 1

 My handwriting is appalling but I guess it makes it more real... you get to see the real me! If you can read it. 

Stalemate

So recently I seem to have hit a real sticking point. Despite trying to lose weight (I wanted to lose 14lbs this month - which is more than attainable for me at my current weight) I have actually gained 0.6lbs!!!

I feel sick. Not because I want to lose so much weight, but because I actually haven't lost anything. I feel like a fraud, a failure. 

August will be different! I will not have a repeat of this shit show! 

I want people to look at me and be shocked! I want to feel comfortable. I don't right now :( 

Bloating and Gas

Oh...my...god

I have never felt this rubbish in my life!!! This last week has been terrible. I have no idea why but since I started restricting (trying to) again, I have had THE WORST gas! Like I'm literally so bloated I feel pregnant again. 

I actually spoke to my Dr about the bloating and troubles I am having with  BM last week and said that I mourn the ability to use the toilet properly. 

I used to be so regular, every morning without fail I'd wake up, poop and weigh myself. But I've ruined it. Long term laxative and codeine use have completely fucked up my digestive tract! 

Who said eating disorders were glamourous? Eh? Join us if you never want to shit properly again!