Update

234.9

I'm 9.9lbs from my next GW.

I'm going through a lot right now, but I feel so much stronger in myself. I have to do this for my child and me

Into the Void

It can be quite easy to fall back into old ways if you don’t watch yourself... I can feel old habits returning and I sense the change in my mind... I can feel it inside. 

I’ve lost 3.4lbs this week. 

I’ve been trying to avoid binge food and just eat healt hily but I know I have limits. 

I’m not the kind of person who can sit next to a share size bar of chocolate and not eat it all... I never will be. 

It’s like I have three people in my head. The anorexic who wants to starve and cries every time I eat. The bulimic who wants to binge on as much food as possible and relishes in the guilt I feel afterwards. That’s two... 

The other person is me... the person who doesn’t want to feel either of the above. I just want to be able to eat without being out of control. I want to feel comfortable eating foods I enjoy without feeling such guilt and devastation afterwards.... 

It’s a vicious circle. 

• I hate the way I look.
  
• I look the way I do because I overeat and I don’t look after myself. 
• I restrict my food intake to punish myself for being a heifer.
• I feel good when I restrict.
• I slip and binge.
• I undo all of my hard work and feel guilty for binging.
• I feel like a failure for not being strong enough to abstain, so I binge some more. 
• I take my mood out (I am angry with myself for being such a failure) on the people I care about. 
• Then the cycle just repeats. 

This is the way my life goes. I just go around and round in circles of the above cycle. 

I am 263.2 today. I want to be under 260 this time next week.