August 20th

CW: 260

So I'm feeling pretty low today. I've been doing really well and I've hit 260, but I am just kind of hovering here now.

I keep binging, which is exactly what has got me in this mess to start with. I have some vacation days coming up. So hopefully I'll find it easy enough to avoid food, though usually it's the opposite and I struggle more.

I want to get a lot of activity in these next few weeks and do some firsts with my daughter.

Maybe even take her swimming, if I can cope with a costume.

August 3rd

Today... was a punishment. I gained 0.2 so I pushed myself for an hour this morning. I burned 833 calories. Almost threw up afterwards.

But it feels good to see subtle changes in my meatsuit. 

Lines of definition here, and solid muscles there. I ache. But I’ll remember all weekend why I ache. 

Because I can do better!

August 2nd

So far I have lost 44.2lbs

I lost 2.8 overnight.

I bet I gain tomorrow. I’m almost certain I will... if I do then I’m going to train even harder and lift heavier weights. The pain will remind me for days to come what an idiot I am!

This is what runs through my head every day. I go to bed scared of what the next day will bring. 

I miss the anaregzig blog. I wanted to read it for comfort and it’s been removed. It’s made me really sad. 

I feel that heavy feeling, like something bad is going to happen, but I know I’m just stressing. 

So tired. Night all... 

Into the Void

It can be quite easy to fall back into old ways if you don’t watch yourself... I can feel old habits returning and I sense the change in my mind... I can feel it inside. 

I’ve lost 3.4lbs this week. 

I’ve been trying to avoid binge food and just eat healt hily but I know I have limits. 

I’m not the kind of person who can sit next to a share size bar of chocolate and not eat it all... I never will be. 

It’s like I have three people in my head. The anorexic who wants to starve and cries every time I eat. The bulimic who wants to binge on as much food as possible and relishes in the guilt I feel afterwards. That’s two... 

The other person is me... the person who doesn’t want to feel either of the above. I just want to be able to eat without being out of control. I want to feel comfortable eating foods I enjoy without feeling such guilt and devastation afterwards.... 

It’s a vicious circle. 

• I hate the way I look.
  
• I look the way I do because I overeat and I don’t look after myself. 
• I restrict my food intake to punish myself for being a heifer.
• I feel good when I restrict.
• I slip and binge.
• I undo all of my hard work and feel guilty for binging.
• I feel like a failure for not being strong enough to abstain, so I binge some more. 
• I take my mood out (I am angry with myself for being such a failure) on the people I care about. 
• Then the cycle just repeats. 

This is the way my life goes. I just go around and round in circles of the above cycle. 

I am 263.2 today. I want to be under 260 this time next week. 

binge number 1

So after days of behaving and staying in control of my urges to binge... last night I fell off the wagon. I think all in all I ate around 2000 calories worth of food yesterday but it feels like more... I wanna say 3000 to be on the safe side, but there is no way I ate that much.

Just found out the forum I used to mod/admin has been resurrected! I genuinely can’t wait to see how it does. I have missed my community there.

I need to measure. I’ll measure today: then gym again tomorrow. I’m thinking of getting there even earlier.

29th June

So tomorrow is d day! 

Tomorrow I will actually calculate my losses and measurements so far... would anyone like to see my meals/gym info. 

I’d be more than happy to collect together what I’ve eaten and also my gym/workouts...

I’m good though x

Hello Darkness my old friend....

I am struggling right now. I have spent way too long in the light, over 2 whole years to be clear. But now I am once again.

Does anyone even read this blog? Or am I just rambling to myself?

Basically I am in a bad place mentally. I have been trying to follow Macros and have been eating more than I have ever allowed myself and it is killing me. I just don't know how people manage with eating so much.

As always my main problems are eating regularly, and then not binging... historically I would have made myself sick after a binge, but I haven't done that since before my daughter was born.

So blooming fed up with feeling this way now.

Need to get my brain back in gear and function properly.

All I want to do is cover myself over with a duvet and bury my head in the sand. I don't want to interact with people. I don't want to wake up. But I know I have too. I have my daughter to be strong for.... I must be strong.

CW: 268.2 (-7.8lbs)