moving on

So. I need a place to live. I'm not willing to live my life just cruising by being walked over by others any more. 

I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking it is okay to be treated like a doormat, I want her to grow up knowing her worth and not settling for anything less than she deserves. 

The best way I can do that is to lead by example. 

changes

I'm going through a pretty hard time right now. Fighting with my inner self over feelings of worthlessness and general being down. 

I'm doubting my ability to do things. 

But I'm not willing to just lie back and go through life anymore. I want more for me and my baby. I need more. 

Update

234.9

I'm 9.9lbs from my next GW.

I'm going through a lot right now, but I feel so much stronger in myself. I have to do this for my child and me

Weigh in

So this week (the last 7 days) saw me go from

255lbs to 248.4lbs, a total loss of 6.6lbs.

I have achieved this by working out 3 times (Arms Day, Core Day and Leg Day) and trying to increase my walking.

I have restricted to a 900 - 1000 cal deficit over my BMR everyday.

Your BMR / TDEE is the total amount of energy it takes for your body to function each day. So if my intake was suggested as 1650 on my BMR based on my height/weight and activity level, after I have completed that activity, I need to try and "Eat" the calories burned through exercise back, lets be honest, thats never going to happen.

It suggests in some cases I should be eating 2500+ calories a day,

I am managing between 900 and 1500, intake per day depending on my level of activity, my average deficit is around 900 cals under the suggested on My Net Diary. 

GOAL ACHIEVED

So this morning I hit GW 4

250lbs

I have broken my GW's into smaller chunks to make it easier to achieve them seeing as though I have so much to lose.

I am going to reward myself in a different way though, instead of rewarding myself with Treats for me.

I am going to reward my family with activities and days out.

Good Day

Having a ball at the moment - absolutely loving life, which is mainly down to that high you get when you're succeeding in restricting and also the pain meds have kicked in.

Weight 252.
(-2.8lbs)
Happy days.

At least its going the right way, I have managed 2/3 days to the gym this week, my muscles ache but I like it.

I have been mainly struggling recently with binging on a night, hopefully I can snap out of that, the little victories I have had the last few nights, have been that I have not binged :) WTF. I have eaten small measured portions of the things I would usually binge on ( candy / chocolate and pastries). I am proud of that, I am going to start posting my binges on my blog and PAO.

How is everyone, I am feeling strong and powerful right now. Though that will change when I am sat on my own tonight, I am sure I will soon resort to my usually afraid and down state. 

Mood...

CW: 254.2

So my current mood is meh! I legit feel so run down and tired and I have no energy or motivation. This sucks.

I keep saying I need to get back on track - when what I really need is to stop saying that. What I need to do, is stop saying that I need to do things.

My ideas for motivation:
Reading Blogs
Reading Books
Playing with my Daughter
Researching Diet Plans
Researching Workout Plans
Working out at the gym.
Working out at home.
Self Care.

Does any one have any suggestions for the above of things that they think will help me get my head together?

Goals

It has been a while since we last spoke - I am still here... in limbo... 

Good days and bad - the usual. 

CW: 254lbs. 

I spent around 3/4 months off the gym, just lolling around and not losing weight. Stuck in another binge/restrict cycle. 

That ended around 4 weeks ago. 

Over those three/four months I didnt gain more than 4lbs. But I'd finally got under 250lbs so I am sad that I am back over. 

Even though I didn't lose weight, I felt my body changing, I lost inches from my Thighs/Hips and Waist. 

New goals. 

• Under 250lbs by Monday 13th May 2019.
• Around 225lbs by 31st July 2019
• Track every day on MyNetDiary. 
• Update journal. 

August 20th

CW: 260

So I'm feeling pretty low today. I've been doing really well and I've hit 260, but I am just kind of hovering here now.

I keep binging, which is exactly what has got me in this mess to start with. I have some vacation days coming up. So hopefully I'll find it easy enough to avoid food, though usually it's the opposite and I struggle more.

I want to get a lot of activity in these next few weeks and do some firsts with my daughter.

Maybe even take her swimming, if I can cope with a costume.

August 3rd

Today... was a punishment. I gained 0.2 so I pushed myself for an hour this morning. I burned 833 calories. Almost threw up afterwards.

But it feels good to see subtle changes in my meatsuit. 

Lines of definition here, and solid muscles there. I ache. But I’ll remember all weekend why I ache. 

Because I can do better!