I don’t remember how old I was when I first felt fat… I know I have never been able to borrow my friend’s
clothes. It’s been about 10 years since I could wear “normal clothes” instead
of plus size (UK 16+). That being said, despite the fact that I am (in BMI
terms) classed as obese, I was last year diagnosed with and Eating Disorder. I
think it will help if I take you back to the beginning with me…
My childhood wasn’t exactly ordinary, but then it wasn’t exactly
extraordinary either. My parents split when I was 6/7 years old after my dad
was exposed as having an affair with my mum’s best friend… After mum left we
moved from the country to the city. By the time I was 11 I had been to four
different primary schools, so being the new “fat” kid, I was an easy target for
bullies. I was a lot taller than all of the other girls my age and a lot
stronger. I guess growing up in the country made me “farm tough” as Cam (Modern
Family) would put it. Nevertheless I was bullied, by the boys and the girls,
about my weight, about my family, my height.
I spent the weekdays with my mum, and weekends with my Dad.
However I am pretty sure my Dad didn’t want me there, he’d go out for hours on
end and leave me to cook, clean, set a fire, wash the cars etc… I wasn’t even
11. When we did spend time together he would get me to do sit ups and lift his
dumbbells, because “Anna, you need to exercise to lose this puppy fat, now come
on let’s do 20 pushups”…
Secondary school wasn’t so bad. I ended up being in a group
with two sisters that lived near me, so I had friends and the bullying wasn’t
so bad. I got on with my life and my studies. Left with 11 GCSE’s. However, I
was still bigger than all of my friends. I grew to be 5ft 8. All of my friends
were 5ft – 5ft 6… So I was taller and twice the size of them in clothes, them
being a UK 6 and me being a UK 12. Over the years my dress size increased with
my age. This increased my unhappiness and my need to cut out certain foods and
I swam for miles at the local swimming baths.
As an adult this has continued. Once I hit 18 and started
going out, I’d be the first on the dance floor and the last to leave. I would
stay out all night and drink in excess. My group of friends changed and for the
first time in my life I remembered being happy and accepted by people. I was 18
the first time I started a proper diet. I began going to weightwatchers with my
friend. Only I figured how to restrict
my diet even more, completed my journal as though I was eating a good healthy diet
and I was all smiles as I collected my shiny 7’s and 10% awards. I was saving
up calories from throughout the week in order to binge drink. They call it
Drunkorexia.
Not long after that I moved out on my own, I lived in a flat
by myself and for the first time I could really control my diet. No more deep
fat fryer at my mums house, or calorie laden pasta meals served with fresh
bread. Now I had control. I talked my GP into prescribing me Reductil, (an
appetite suppressant that has since been taken off the market for being linked
to Cardiovascular Disease and Strokes), I used this to seriously restrict my
diet. I avoided being hungry and therefore avoided eating. Not long after this
was stopped (it caused my blood pressure to raise) I moved into a shared house,
but I still managed to hide my disordered eating. I lived there for two
years. I’d go to work ridiculously early
in the morning, eat lunch then pop to my mums after work. I’d tell my mum I was
eating at home then tell my housemates I had eaten at mums.
I moved back in with my mum after this. Then, after a year I
met my boyfriend. At the time I had a horse, I was around 238lbs, but was very
active, always mucking out/riding/lunging burns a lot of calories. I have
always looked like I weigh less than I do.
We moved in together after about 6 months and have been together ever
since. In that time my weight reached an all-time high of 293lbs. At that point
I was so depressed, I was refusing to cook for myself and ordering fast food on
an evening then hiding the proof. Then at times I would sit there, so full and
uncomfortable, crying. It was a vicious cycle. In 2009 I began restricting my
diet. Cutting myself to 800 calories a day. I did the ABC, 2468, every diet
under the sun. But I settled for 600 calories a day and 2 hours of exercise 7
days a week. I stopped drinking fizzy
drinks and only drank hot drinks/cup a soups and water. For example my daily food intake looked like
this.
B – Apple
L - Cup a
soup and 4 low fat crackers
D – Mini
Wrap/Salad/Steamed Veg and Fish.
My weight went from 293 to 228lbs over 6 months. Well on my
way to my 110lb goal weight.
Then everything came down around me, my relationship broke
down (this has since been resolved). It was during this point I became hooked
on diuretics/laxatives and purging. I was in a crisis I guess. But I attempted
to overcome this myself and in the aftermath, my employer found out about my
eating habits. They forced me to enter treatment before they would let me
continue to work, so I entered recovery.
For the last 8 months I have been given all of the tools to
overcome my ED. I have learnt about the effects of Eating Disorders and the
effects of starvation/binging and purging.
I was given a diagnosis of Atypical Anorexia B/P Subtype. I crossed my T’s
and dotted my I’s. Now I find myself
still gaining weight months after entering a regular eating pattern. The clothes
that once fell of me are now tight and uncomfortable, and all I can think is
why have I let myself go like this? I can’t stay like this. I need to lose this
weight. I need to be thin. I need to be thin… Nothing else matters.
I will reach my UGW of 110lbs...
